PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local over-worked teacher Jason Nance was far more interested in her class’s Career Day presentations than her own students, sources confirm.
“Despite the low pay, lack of resources, disrespectful students, absent administration, vindictive parents, high-stakes standardized testing, and an increasingly politicized curriculum, I really love my job,” said the 8th grade English teacher while browsing Monster.com. “And while I would never leave teaching, it’s just so inspirational learning about event planning and Best Buy cashier jobs, and how somebody would, hypothetically, go about attaining that sort of career and how one might, theoretically, submit your CV to them.”
And while Nance puts on a brave face, her all-encompassing mental exhaustion isn’t going unnoticed.
“She’s had one foot out the door since November,” quipped Ryan Nash, one of Nance’s students. “For yesterday’s warmup, she asked us to write a paragraph on what we want to do when we grew up, then research what local community colleges offered courses in that field. And for the main lesson, she’s shown us ‘Flowers for Algernon’ three times in a row now. Which is cool, but that book isn’t even on the standardized test we’re gonna take. She even asked us to proofread a fake resume one time, but she left her name at the top. If she’s this desperate to get out of teaching, I could probably hook her up with an unpaid internship at my dad’s company.”
Changing careers, while daunting, can be lucrative in the long-term.
“Going back to school can be a great way to increase your lifetime earnings,” said career coach Michelle Stanwick. “It’s no secret going back to school on a teacher’s salary is tough, but there are tons of ways you can save up money. And while the temptation to move back in with your parents while you figure out your next move might be alluring, I’d only recommend this if you don’t care about your mental well-being, or having any semblance of a dating life. Now, I used to be a teacher myself, and what I did to save up for community college was donate plasma, steal cafeteria food, and sleep in my car.”
At press time, Nance took a job at a local insurance company, where she enjoys annual raises, a quiet work environment, and the ability to go to the bathroom whenever she wants.