REDDING, Calif. – Former junior high bully and antagonist of a 1990 anti-drug PSA Ryan Telley is reportedly still pushing handfuls of pre-rolled joints onto random people, befuddled sources confirmed.
“I mainly hang out around strip malls and bowling alleys these days,” the now 44-year-old Telley said. “I just kinda wait for people to walk past me, at which point I completely invade their personal space with an open palm displaying three perfectly aligned joints. If the person is too much of a geek to accept one of them, I call them a chicken and start bawking at them. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to be doing the trick anymore. I’m now well into my third decade of doing this, and I don’t think I’ll ever match the success rate I had when I was in seventh grade.”
Witness Jared Rodriguez reacted to Telley’s attempted intimidation with a mixture of surprise and confusion.
“I was about to walk into Jersey Mike’s when this middle-aged guy with spiky hair and acid washed Z Cavaricci jeans started trying to pressure me into taking a joint out of his hand. I was absolutely baffled,” Rodriguez said. “I mean, I’m not interested in smoking weed, but if I was, I could just walk down the street to the nearest dispensary. We live in a blue state, for Christ’s sake. I’m not even getting the impression that he’s charging. He just really wants other people to try marijuana for some reason.”
Sylvia Denning, Telley’s now-retired junior high principal, was saddened to hear of the continued antics of her former student.
“It’s heartbreaking to hear that Ryan hasn’t learned from the mistakes of his youth,” Denning said while sipping a tea out of her World’s Best Principal mug. “Whether it was because he was riding his Nash skateboard in the hallways or telling his teachers to ‘put a sock in it’, he used to spend entirely too much time in my office. I had been aware that he was trying to frighten the smaller children into smoking cannabis, but I never thought that behavior would continue well into his adulthood. It’s tragic, in a way.”
At press time, Telley broke down upon being questioned by a bystander, admitting that he just hasn’t been the same since actress Rachael Leigh Cook destroyed his kitchen with a frying pan.