MIDDLETOWN, Conn. — Hairy Goat Nipple, a microbrewery scheduled to open next year, is close to deciding on which image of a demon with a pig’s tail and nose absolutely giving it to an oak barrel they will use as a logo to attract the weird men to its taproom, confirmed sources ready to get shitfaced on the back patio.
“The first option is the most artistic, but the foam spraying out of the barrel is more suggestive of cum in sketch two. And my god, the hog looks so sweaty in sketch three! I do wish all of them had more veiny hog penis displayed, but it’s still a tough choice,” said head brewer Todd Ellis as he leaned over the perverted, satanic hog sketches. “It’s important for the logo to strike the right balance between blasphemy and sexual vileness. Otherwise, guys who have detailed beard-care regimens yet still come off as threatening might choose to drink somewhere else.”
Local artist Chris Trevino described the process behind his logo designs.
“They asked me to draw a character that tough middle schoolers would think is cool, and to throw some brewing equipment in there,” said Trevino. “When Todd reached out to me I loved his vision of a demonic farm animal penetrating an inanimate object. That is exactly the type of thing that attracts me to a business. I even made the demon pig muscular, so the ladies have something to enjoy. Customers will love the taproom’s industrial feel, which will let them live out their little fantasy of having a blue-collar job without giving up health insurance.”
Logan Murray, the writer behind beer blog Hop Explosion, commented on why Hairy Goat Nipple has high chances of success.
“Sexual and demonic branding works because brewery patrons want to feel like they’re bad boys living on the fringes of society even though they’re adults with boring lives. The barrel fucker image will momentarily make getting drunk seem like a cool rebellion instead of the only sad option left for having fun. I hear the flights will have five-ounce pours, so people will be able to get pretty fucked up,” mused Murray. “Plus, the logo idea is so stupid that it will even appeal to customers who aren’t depraved perverts by coming off as a joke. People love irreverent humor, because if we don’t take anything seriously, we never have to risk feeling vulnerable.”
At press time, the brewery was close to choosing its flagship beer which is a dead heat between Back Door Mud Slop Brown Ale and Lucifer’s Load Lager.