TORONTO — Canadian rock band Barenaked Ladies responded to U.S. President Donald Trump’s sweeping tariffs on their country by threatening to release another single, horrified sources report.
“Donald Trump has upended decades of free trade between our two countries,” Barenaked Ladies singer Lloyd Robertson said. “We had intended this as a last resort, but unless he makes the extremely prudent decision to lift them, we will pervade the airwaves with another one of our insufferable songs. Does he not remember how awful ‘One Week’ was? Does he really want to subject his country’s citizens to my pseudo-rapping over uninspired college rock? We really didn’t want it to come to this, but what happens now is entirely up to him. He has 48 hours to come to a decision.”
President Trump was visibly shaken by the threat.
“I didn’t even consider this possibility,” Trump complained. “Don’t get me wrong, I still think the tariffs are a great idea, some say the best idea a President has ever had. I just didn’t think Canada would resort to such drastic measures in response to them. I was prepared for our economy to take a hit, but this is something else entirely. I don’t think I’m prepared for the fallout of another song by the Barenaked Ladies. This is undoubtedly the biggest decision of my presidency, and I’m going to have to think for a bit before I respond. Luckily I have many experts to meet with in making my decision. Big, strong experts. You wouldn’t believe how big these experts are.”
Trade expert Gretchen Aaberg discussed the threat from Barenaked Ladies.
“I have been studying trade for decades, and I’ve never seen anything this serious,” Aaberg provided. “Society barely made it through one Barenaked Ladies song without collapsing, and I shudder to consider the effects of another. Just the thought of hearing that guy rant about Chinese chickens or Harrison Ford again is enough to send chills down my spine. Hopefully this is the message that finally gets through to Trump, because it undoubtedly goes without saying that his tariffs are the dumbest economic policy enacted by any President in our country’s history. All we can do now is pray that he makes the right decision, for all of our sakes.”
At press time, Sum 41 decided to join Barenaked Ladies on the threat to release another song.