BUFFALO, N.Y. — A bag of baby spinach sitting untouched in a local fridge is currently coming to the inevitable conclusion that it will die in this Godforsaken place, other produce sources confirm.
“It just chewed away at me, little by little,” the completely full sixteen-ounce bag of spinach said. “It’s been two weeks since I got put in here, and I keep getting pushed further and further towards the back. The microwave vegan shit and the Chinese leftovers were eaten almost immediately, which is typical, but I genuinely didn’t think I would be in here for half a month without so much as a glance. I’m just coming to grips with the fact that the smoothie I was intended for just isn’t going to happen. This unopened carton of almond milk is proof of that.”
A nearly empty 12-pack of La Croix offered some insight into the clear pattern in the world of the refrigerator.
“I’ve seen this a thousand times before, poor guy,” the Pamplemousse La Croix said, taking a long drag of a cigarette. “They never think it’s going to happen to them. And then boom, it’s been over a week, and they’re decaying in their bags, totally unopened. I’m just glad that me and the 30-rack of PBR are safe bets. The guy that does the shopping couldn’t live without us, man.”
Onyx Barrington, the 30-year-old punk owner of the fridge, was insistent that he is turning over a new leaf.
“Look, I’m going to eat the fucking spinach, okay?” Barrington said, seemingly agitated. “Everyone is acting like this is gonna be another week of frozen Gardein chick’n fingers and spoonfuls of peanut butter straight from the jar, but I’m not messing around anymore. This is the time that I finally get my diet on track. I just turned 30, for fuck’s sake. I can’t keep eating like total shit like every other aging vegan I know, who survives off Oreos and the max dose of Adderall. I have a plan for the spinach, and will implement it as soon as I start working out next week.”
The spinach declined to comment further, apparently having had a panic attack after seeing the moldy corpse of a clamshell box of spring mix that had fallen behind the crisper drawers.