WASHINGTON — US Attorney General Pam Bondi responded to scathing public inquiry regarding the so-called Epstein client list by posting a video of her singing and playing the ukulele, confirmed sources.
“There is absolutely no evidence that sex trafficker Jeffery Epstein had any sort of client list, and I apologize for saying that I have 100%, without a doubt, no question about it, saw one with my own eyes a few months ago,” said Bondi while tuning her ukulele. “He was prolific, but the Department of Justice and the FBI have both concluded that no such evidence exists. We’re not even sure that Jeffrey himself existed. For all we know, Ghislaine Maxwell was a result of some sort of Mandela Effect or Democrat hoax. Anyway, I’ve prepared a little video to address these allegations of misleading the public. Something I call ‘The Toxic Gossip Train.’ Please like and subscribe.”
Viewers of Bondi’s apology video were left speechless.
“It was the longest ten minutes of my life,” said Peter Doocy, Fox News correspondent for the White House. “You know how it feels when your aunt shows you a video and just holds her own phone in front of you and watches your reaction? I actually questioned Pam Bondi in February of this year and she said that this exact Epstein client list was ‘sitting on her desk.’ She said this in her John Roberts interview on Fox. I have her direct quote in my notes, but when I brought it up during the inquiry Pam held up her phone and played the apology video a second time. I don’t know if this was a subversion tactic or some sort of brainwashing, but the ukulele, the beige room with the lights, it was uncanny.”
The video also found its way to President Donald Trump.
“You’re still talking about Jeffery Epstein? The financier?” said President Trump. “We have Texas, airplanes are falling—so many nasty things. The FBI is all out of those black highlighters, but you can’t get them here, no, only China makes them now, it’s unbelievable. As far as Bondi’s video, a terrific video I might add, I will be nominating her for a Golden Truthy, which is what some are calling the patriot’s Grammy, for her tremendous truth-telling. So much truth. Viewers are going to love how much truth she is truthing in this video.”
At press time, former president Bill Clinton and several other high-profile politicians who were accused of being on the Epstein list released a video where they all sing John Lennon’s “Imagine.”