RICHMOND, Va. — A local Uber driver’s attempt at small talk forced an unsuspecting passenger to acknowledge his humanity, aggravated sources confirmed.
“Ugh, I hate it when I get one like this,” said Alex Mills, the passenger in question, rolling his eyes. “I just want to sit quietly and scroll on my phone and pretend that there’s not an actual human being ferrying me around in his car. And yet this obnoxious driver immediately tried to start a simple exchange of pleasantries that forced me to engage with him on an interpersonal level. I gave some cold, brief replies to try to indicate that I had no interest in acknowledging that he was a living, breathing person with thoughts and feelings, but he just kept talking. I know he probably just wants to distract himself from the boredom of his menial labor and the precarity of his economic position, but like, can’t he just put on the radio or something?”
The driver of the Uber, Raymond Johnson, says that he initiated the small talk despite knowing Mills’ disgust was a likely reaction.
“I just couldn’t help myself,” said Johnson. “I knew it was probably gonna lower my rating and my tip, but nevertheless I made brief eye contact with him via the rearview mirror. Despite the fact that he clearly had no interest in viewing me as a real person, I couldn’t stop myself from asking him one or two questions about his day. Human beings naturally use simple, surface-level small talk as a way to express courtesy, kindness, and respect, and although I felt none of those things towards this asshole, I still went ahead with it. It’s a bad habit and I’m trying to correct it, but today I had a lapse.”
Donald Wu, a spokesperson for Uber, denounced Johnson’s actions and assured the public that the company prohibits this kind of behavior from its drivers.
“We’re very aware of the sad situation in which one of our passengers was made to recognize the humanity of a driver,” said Wu, in a press statement. “At some point– very soon, God willing– our cars will be operated entirely by computers, and no human drivers will be involved. But until then, we aim to create a rideshare environment devoid of any human element, so that our passengers may enjoy quiet, guilt-free rides. As part of our training, our drivers are instructed never to do or say anything that could make a passenger have to acknowledge their existence. If a driver defies this rule, their individual actions do not reflect the desires of the company.”
At press time, Mills was overjoyed that his next Uber driver had no chance of drawing him into conversation, as they appeared not to speak English.
