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Aging Punk Unsure of Who to Root For in “Skaters vs. Haters” Video Because Technically That Is Private Property

LOS ANGELES — 36-year-old skateboarder Rodney Sanders found himself in a great moral predicament yesterday when he sided with irate property owners after watching various “Skaters vs. Haters” compilations on YouTube.

“When I was 17, these skaters were my brothers, my idols, my kin — we were fighting the powers that be and we didn’t care. I would skate wherever I wanted to, and if you didn’t like it, fight me,” said Sanders from his modest two-story home. “That said, as a homeowner, I’m not sure I’d tolerate people on the sidewalk in front of my house making that much noise and possibly damaging my fence.”

Sanders’ disgruntled childhood friend Riley Mardell had a few choice words in response.

“The guy’s gone completely soft. Not only is he now questioning the skating lifestyle, he’s signed away his soul to the man,” said Mardell. “Ever since he settled down and had a kid he’s completely lost it — it’s been years since he hopped fences and skated abandoned pools with me. I remember when we’d just go out and fight mall cops together; now, he waves to cops on the street. What a fucking sellout.”

Sanders’ fiancée Adria Powers admitted she’s found his struggle a symbol of the aging punk’s newfound maturity — and, generally, a step in the right direction.

“Honestly, it’s been great to see the strides he’s made over the last few years. He used to cheer at skaters fighting to get their boards back from security guards and throwing punches at irritated business owners,” stated Powers. “Now, he says things like, ‘I mean, that lady was kind of annoying, but they are chipping the paint off of that handrail and that isn’t fair. Who’s going to pay to have that touched up?’ Last week, he even seemed happy some benches in a park by our house were finally skate-stopped.”

Sanders was last overheard mumbling that these kids “really should be wearing helmets” and that “his tax dollars pay for public skateparks; maybe they should just go play there.”