SEATTLE — A 35-year-old millennial with the once ubiquitous finger mustache tattoo noticed that her ink stache is graying right along with her head hair, confirmed sources in complete denial.
“I couldn’t believe it at first,” shared April Tiemstra while also checking her Harry Potter tattoo just in case. “I thought maybe it was just fading, so I tried to use lotion. But no amount of moisturizing was changing the fact that there were distinctive gray, wiry hairs appearing in my finger stache. Just For Men didn’t do anything either. My head hair just started really going gray and thinning this year, but I never knew tattoos were at risk of female pattern graying and baldness. I swear a few of the ink hairs fell off the other day. I can only handle so much at once.”
Arianna Sharma, a local tattoo artist, shared their own experiences with uniquely aging skin art.
“You know, adults were always warning us about how poorly tattoos would age,” said Sharma. “Especially when I became a tattoo artist. But I just thought they meant they would fade or become problematic in light of evolving societal ideals. I didn’t think they meant SpongeBob tats would get angry 11s and pinup girls would spontaneously grow ink chin hairs. I didn’t train for this.”
An expert in Tattoo Sciences, an emerging discipline, discussed strategies they’re employing to combat the issue of geriatric millennial tattoos.
“Millennial cringe tattoos are aging in completely unique and never-before-seen ways,” said Juliana Hughes. “I even saw a Jack Skellington tattoo going bald, and he doesn’t even have hair follicles. So we’ve had to be extremely revolutionary in our approach to tattoo care. We’re completely thinking outside of the box. Got a Miss Piggy tat with fine lines and wrinkles? We’ve developed Tattox. Got a Calvin tattoo that’s losing its hair? Tattoupes. We are meeting the moment.”
At press time, researchers on the front lines learned that millennials’ infinity symbol tattoos have started telling people the precise date they will die.
