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$8000 Sound Board Won’t Fit in $700 Car

MILWAUKEE — Sound Engineer Quintin Hafner purchased a large-format DiGiCo S31 Digital Mixer yesterday, but was unable to fit the board into his ’89 Honda Civic DX hatchback, according to multiple witnesses.

“This thing is a is a piece of art. I feel like I need to be wearing velvet gloves when I touch the controls,” said the 37-year-old Hafner, the owner and lead engineer at Brews Bro Mixing and Master. “Once I get this back to the studio, we are going to be in business — I brought a bunch of towels and pillows from my house to help pad the thing while it’s in my backseat.”

The mixing console, which Hafner purchased for $8,600.95, is ultimately too large and unwieldy to fit inside the early model, economy-class Civic, which Kelley Blue Book currently lists at a value of $650 to $873.

“Quintin can’t rent a truck — he’s basically been banned from every U-Haul from here to Chicago,” said Darrell Keller, the assistant lead engineer at Brews Bro. “He maxed out his ex-wife’s credit cards, and welched on loans to multiple friends and family members, so he isn’t in a position to borrow a vehicle suitable to the job, either. I’m really the only guy he hasn’t fucked over… but I take the bus.”

While the sonically flexible and fully-featured mixer will no doubt be the centerpiece of Hafner’s recording studio/studio apartment, to some, it stands as a memento of a bygone era in music production.

“Teenagers, who don’t know dick about dick, can make studio-quality beats with nothing more than a 4-track and a laptop,” said a wise old blind man sitting on the corner, who requested anonymity. “Why is this grown-ass man trying to move a piece of recording equipment that’s worth… what, 11 times more than his car?”

After hours of attempts, Hafner ultimately strapped the board to the roof of his Civic, using a lattice of pillows, rope he found in a trash can, and Keller himself wedged between the roof and the console with his arms wrapped around it to ensure a hopefully smooth ride home.