WASHINGTON — In light of recently released emails between Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell that mention Donald Trump by name, in what some are calling a reversal of past policy, Trump has posted several rants on social media, all condemning “making a federal case” out of “some dumb emails.”
“This is nothing but a sad attempt at a witch hunt cooked up by the commie-Democrat deep state!” said Donald Trump, current president of the United States. “Who gives a crap about what a bunch of dumb emails say? They aren’t even real, okay? It’s just a bunch of numbers, folks. I know numbers, believe me, 1, 2, 3, I can keep going! I asked one of the top computer guys at DOGE ‘What is an email?’ You know what he said to me, tears in his eyes? ‘It’s a bunch of numbers, Mr. President,’ so there ya go. Used to be in this country, you got some mail, it would be this big, beautiful sheet of paper, you could fold it, it was incredible. Not any more. Trans athletes come along, they say, ‘We don’t want that mail, we want fake mail made of numbers.’ Very sad.”
While several reporters brought up Trump’s past criticism of Hillary Clinton’s private servers, and the fact that ‘But her emails!’ became a crucial slogan to his 2016 campaign, press secretary Karoline Leavitt was quick to dismiss any allegations of hypocrisy at a briefing this morning.
“The fact of the matter is that the President is far too clever and strong to care about what a bunch of fake number mails may or may not say about pedophile activities he may or may not have engaged in,” said a visibly embattled Leavitt. “The President does not think emails are a big deal, he does not think we should pay any attention to them, and he certainly does not think anyone should be ‘locked up’ over them, end of story.”
While each new detail of the Epstein controversy turns some supporters away, most of Trump’s core base remains capable of the cognitive dissonance necessary to make this all work for them.
“It’s very simple,” claims long-time MAGA influencer Stewart Davies. “Hillary Clinton had sex with a bunch of pizza kids and hid them in emails, that’s bad. Donald Trump then becomes President and makes emails not matter anymore, and that’s good. Now, what about the fact that these Epstein emails predate Trump’s presidency? Well, Hillary Clinton has a TARDIS. JFK Jr., who is alive, also has a TARDIS, and they are fighting. If you’ll excuse me, my stomach hurts again and I’m gonna go lie down for a few days.”
At press time, the administration was still weighing how many new tariffs would be needed to bury this story.
