TEHRAN — Following Ayatollah Ali Khamenei’s assassination in Operation Epic Fury, the Islamic Republic of Iran has appointed its first American-born Ayatollah.
“I, like my predecessors, intend to uphold traditions of Bears hegemony and dyeing the Caspian Sea green for Eid,” Ayatollah Bob Hosseini told his country in a press conference. “Only through the support of the hardworking operatives who installed me can this modern age of Islam, like the sauce in a properly-made pizza, end up on top. May my reign long be remembered as an era of peace and harmony with American oil interests!”
Iranian officials have long anticipated the potential political benefits of an American Ayatollah.
“We searched all over the country for a leader who might soften America’s drone strikes, or at least somebody who might let us start to build nuclear plants again,” explained Iranian leadership councilor Alireza Arafi. “It was a star search for who might finally garner American sympathies. We determined that anybody from New Jersey would fail to improve American opinions. We vetted mosques in Pennsylvania and, unfortunately, found that it was always Sunni in Philadelphia. So, sure, after the recent pope appointment, a midwestern leader seemed gauche, but the CIA has assured us that Ayatollah Bob really was the best choice.”
Islamic scholars have expressed mixed opinions on Hosseini’s appointment.
“There’s nothing in the Quran, I guess, that says a Chicagoan can’t be Ayatollah,” UCLA Islamic studies professor Alam Sayeed theorized. “Technically speaking, his use of all-beef franks means it’s only a social abomination — not a religious one — that he’s been putting celery salt and a full salad on top of hot dogs. It is of some concern, though, that Bob’s beard appears to be pinned on and his spray tan keeps melting off.”
The new Ayatollah was last seen celebrating his appointment with a shot of non-alcoholic malört.
