WASHINGTON—Melania Trump, wife of President Trump, was reportedly confused and extremely put off by her husband’s recent assumption that, when the time came, they would die together, sources within the White House confirm.
“As soon as the midterm results start coming in, he pulls me aside, shows me this pill, tells me it’s cyanide and that I should keep it on my person at all times. I mean, what the hell does he think this is?!” confided the First Lady to an anonymous source. “Our relationship has been strictly transactional from the very beginning. I send him an invoice every time I let him hold my hand in public, and now he thinks I’m his Eva?! Maybe he really is losing it!”
White House aides also expressed confusion as to why Trump believes he and his wife have the sort of relationship that will end in mutual suicide.
“She has literally never spoken one kind word to him,” said an anonymous staffer. “He basically ordered her in from the mail for photo ops. Dear lord, is that what he thinks love is? I know the President has always had his senior moments, but come on. He should know that anyone who wears a big-brimmed villain’s hat has an exit strategy. She’s never exactly had a ride-or-die vibe. You know they’ve never been in a room alone together?”
Sources close to the President, choosing to remain anonymous, have confirmed that a certain listless rumination has begun to seize him.
“I brought him his 11 a.m. filet-of-fish and Diet Coke yesterday, and as I put the tray down, he puts his hand on my arm and said, “Brown Guy, if this is the last filet-o-fish you bring me, I just want you to know I’ve valued your service and friendship.” I didn’t know what to say. Friendship?! He’s never made eye contact with me before! And does he think my name is Brown Guy?”
At Press time, Trump was reportedly roaming the ballroom construction site, trying to decide the best spot to die on, since “They’ll probably put a statue on it.”
