CINCINNATI — A suspect is in custody today after breaking a window in the Ohio home of Vice President JD Vance, who expressed tremendous relief that none of his prized couches were harmed in the altercation.
“When I first got the call, a million horrifying thoughts came into my mind. ‘Are the couches okay? Are they all accounted for? Has there been any damage to the upholstery?’ It was a truly terrifying moment,” recalled Vance during a Zoom interview this morning. “Thankfully, the only thing that was damaged was a window and my family’s psyche. It’s moments like these where you really just need to count your blessings and thank God for keeping your furniture safe. If anything ever happened to Lesslie (my Crate & Barrel 2-piece sectional), I honestly don’t know what I would do.”
The Vice President was evidently still rattled by the incident, continuing to catastrophize what may have become of his most intimately cherished furnishings.
“I wasn’t worried about the brown leather channel from Poly and Bark, hell, I can tell you firsthand that whatever you dish out to that baddie, she’ll throw it right back, but the La-Z-Boy Piper? The antique fainting couch? Hell, Brittany is just an ottoman for Christ’s sake, she’d be defenseless!”
A Secret Service agent recalled debriefing the Vice President on the incident.
“He was pretty anxious on the phone. I made sure to tell him that his family was safe right off the bat, but he kept saying ‘What about my loved ones?!’ Took us a while to figure out he was talking about the couches. Aside from a few questionable stains that looked like they had been there long before the vandalism incident, they seemed fine. Then we handed the phone over to his wife, and before she could get a word out, I just heard him screaming, ‘Put the couch on the phone! I want to talk to the couch!’ I guess being shook up like that makes a man behave strangely sometimes.”
This is a breaking story, and we will have more as it develops.
