NEW YORK — Broadcast giant CBS announced to its staff and subsidiaries that the network would be giving up any and all journalistic and moral integrity for the entirety of Lent, a leaked staff memo has confirmed.
“On this Ash Wednesday, we are reflecting on our legacy both as a network and a news organization, and have come to the conclusion that growing sometimes means giving something up. Which is why for the next 40 days of Lent, CBS will be giving up all moral and journalistic integrity to become leaner, hungrier, and keep Stephen Colbert from platforming any more Democratic candidates,” said Editor-in-Chief Bari Weiss. “Please use this time of solemn reflection to abandon all the principles you once held and just put out the craziest shit you can dream up. It doesn’t even have to make any logical sense, so long as it doesn’t get us in trouble with the White House.”
CBS staff were confused and concerned by what Weiss was asking them to do.
“If we’re supposed to be giving up integrity only for Lent, why have we been killing stories and interviews the government doesn’t like for the past few months? Was all that retroactive?” said CBS News researcher Harold Selsman. “But if this is the new directive, we could work on a few stories about ICE agents being victims of bullying, or just take everything the Trump administration says at face value with zero pushback. I just hope this means we’ll go back to being a trusted news organization again after Easter.”
The Catholic Church issued a rare rebuke to the network’s interpretation of Lent.
“I know I shouldn’t say this, but Jesus tap dancing Christ. Lent is about sacrifice and repentance for your sins, not destroying your moral compass. But then again, powerful people twisting the teaching of Jesus for evil intentions seems to be the norm nowadays. Look, right there, they could’ve given up capitulating to fascism for Lent. It’s literally that easy,” said Cardinal Thomas O’Connor. “I’m sorry, it’s just that they keep fucking with Colbert and he’s our guy. I think while she’s at it, Weiss should give up any hope she’s getting into Heaven for the next 40 days. And beyond.”
As of press time, CBS sent out another memo stating that anyone refusing to give up integrity would be permitted to resign and be marched out into the street naked.
