NEW YORK — After fleeing into Central Park, Brian Thompson’s gunman decided against abandoning a first draft bullet reading “Live, Laugh, Love” as to avoid leaving additional evidence.
“What can I say? I’m sentimental,” claimed the gunman in an encrypted statement to journalists. “The idea actually came to me when I was visiting Target. The kitchen decor section has all of these rustic signs with beautiful fonts, half-off since I guess they’re falling out of fashion. Right beneath an embossed wooden mantle reading “Gather,” I saw a framed “Live, Laugh, Love” in gold-plated cursive, with little hearts on the fringe. I instantly knew this phrase would imbue my revenge scheme with a light-hearted twist. But like Elizabeth Gilbert says, you need to get out your “crappy first draft” and I held space for myself to really prepare. I don’t mean to be all obnoxious ‘Type A’ about this, but it had to be perfect. Good thing I had a few backup “Deny, Defend, Depose” bullets in my pocket, just to really send the message home!”
NYPD Chief Jeffrey B. Maddrey weighed in on the gunman’s writing process.
“To be honest, I wish he would’ve used the ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ bullets because morale has been so low,” shared Maddrey in front of a monitor blaring Fox News. “My boys could use an emotional leg up in the investigation. Who doesn’t love a good affirmation? Right now, we have no leads, I’d welcome any boost. A message like “Live, Laugh Love,” is catchy, it’s inspiring. Depression is a real thing around here among ‘the boys in blue,’ especially with winter setting in. I’d suggest therapy, but our insurance keeps denying mental health coverage so I guess I’ll continue taking it out on my family.”
Symbology expert and noted code-breaker Dr. Julie G. Fairweather of UC Davis offered commentary.
“The first draft bullet is really a fascinating wrinkle,” said Fairweather over Zoom from a windowless office. “My work on deciphering remaining Zodiac Killer messages has led me to believe that a playful spirit is possible when committing monstrous atrocities. Many Americans haven’t seen true class warfare. If you’re going to kick it off, you need to have positive messaging. It’s well known that “Let them eat cake” from the French Revolution was indeed a reminder to sometimes slow down and enjoy the finer things in life. The gunman is saying “treat yourself,” especially since these insurance companies certainly won’t.”
At press time, the gunman announced that he is excited to finally unveil his “Positive Vibes Only” bullets in time for the holiday season.