This one simple trick will change your life! Because whether you know it or not, you’ve been peeling bananas wrong your whole life. Yes, you. The stupid looking bloke right there. Jesus.
You’re not supposed to peel it with your hands and fingers like some damn prehistoric primate. You’re supposed to bite the bottom nub off, chuck it at the wall like a hand grenade, and collect the flesh directly with your mouth. Seriously, how in the actual living FUCK did you not know that? I just spit on the ground, just thinking about you.
You know what ELSE you’ve been doing wrong? Signing bank checks. Look at you, dopey little dipshit just writing a squiggly ink somewhat resembling your name in cursive, acting like everything is all hunky-dory. Well it isn’t, motherfucker. And it’s time to pay the piper.
Next time you have to write a check for your idiot pills, do it the right way: take off all your clothes, clutch the pen with the crook of your knee, pin the check against the wall, and try to get as much ink on the check while loudly humming the theme from the sitcom Taxi. How did you ever get out of your dogshit public school being so stupid???
Oh, for fuck’s sake! Are you FUCKING kidding me??? You really don’t know how to quickly determine the amount you should tip on a dinner check? I’m sorry. I can’t go on. Fuck you. FUCK. YOU.
Apparently mankind crawled out of the goddamn sea for you to sit there and drool your way through life?!? No, NO. I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. You are a piece of shit. A fraction of a turd of shit. Nothing more. There will be a day you die and everyone will breathe a sigh of relief.
No, hope is no longer enough. I have to take matters into my own hands. I’m going to fucking kill you myself. I’M GOING TO DO IT. BECAUSE I CAN’T LIVE ON THIS EARTH ANY LONGER KNOWING YOU ARE ON IT WITH ME EATING BANANAS THE WRONG WAY AND SIGNING CHECKS LIKE A MORON!
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