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You’re an OFF! Fan? Name 3 People That Could Give Keith Morris a Ride to the Airport

Hey, that’s a sweet OFF! hoodie you got there! You seem like you’re a big fan. I’m the band’s manager and if you’re such a big fan why don’t you give me the names and phone numbers of three people that could give Keith Morris a ride to the airport tomorrow morning?

Why do I need three? Because I’m a professional, that’s why. And as a professional, I always have a backup plan, which is why I’m going to need their home addresses as well. Obviously, I would drive him if I could. But suffice to say that I can not, should not, and will not get behind the wheel.

I can’t offer any gas money at this time. I can, however, tell you that Keith Morris will answer all of the driver’s questions about OFF! as long as they don’t bring up Black Flag under any circumstances. Nor Henry Rollins. I’ll talk to Keith to see if he’ll answer a Circle Jerks question, but don’t hold your breath.

There’s another thing. Keith gets freaked out by purple cars so if they have a purple car just forget it. Oh and he’s going to want to sit in the back on the passenger side, so make sure it’s cleaned off. He’s not a big fan of freeways either. I think it has something to do with how they only exist for the convenience of yuppy suburban homeowners with minivans when they drive their two-and-a-half kids to soccer practice. I don’t know.

Just pass me the list when you have it. I’ll read it over to make sure everything is in order. Once it is, I’ll give you the address where Keith is staying, along with the addresses of Dimitri Coats, Autry Fulbright, and Justin Brown, who are all staying at separate locations and will also need rides.