Just to be clear, I’m kind of a sad person. Not like a mildly pessimistic, “Mitch McConnell droopy-drawls” kind of sad, but like a “my life is a tear-stained pillow case from which I can find no joyful reprieve yet am forced to rest my weary head upon every night” kind of sad. That being said, wasn’t prepared for what I came across while shopping for a reasonably priced used vehicle: a Carfax report that actually included, down to the seconds, how much time its previous owner spent cry-screaming to Florence + the Machine.
Like any other millennial just waiting for the big sleep to take me, I typically gloss over Carfax reports pretending I know what I’m looking at: accident and service history, odometer reading, title standing (whatever the fuck that means), and at first, this 2011 Honda Civic seemed too good to be true.
It had only ever been owned by one woman, had extremely low mileage, zero collisions, and was cried inside of by the owner 482 hours, 17 minutes and 36 seconds, specifically while listening to Florence + the Machine. No wonder she couldn’t unload this lemon.
Still, what the fuck Carfax! That’s a little intrusive, don’t you think? How did you even get this information to begin with, was it volunteered? Was she under duress? Personally, I don’t think the amount of time I’ve spent crying to a guilty pleasure band isn’t even something I should know, let alone a stranger considering buying my car.
482 hours comes to over 20 straight days of losing her goddamn mind, but given the car’s impressively low mileage her daily commute couldn’t have been more than 15 minutes round trip. What could possibly go so wrong that an adult woman would seemingly fall apart every single day for years in a vehicle intended for children just getting their learner’s permits?
I’m not trying to sound insensitive. I totally understand crying over a break-up. Hell, I’ve committed serial arson throughout Chattanooga over an ex serving me a poorly poached egg. But cry-screaming for 482 hours? To Florence + the Machine?! That’s excessive.
As great of a deal as this car is, there’s just no way I could ever see myself committed to something with this much baggage. I just pray this woman gets the help she so desperately needs, or at least better cry music.