Sorry, bro, but we’re out of mediums. We don’t have one in any of the other tees, long-sleeve tees, pullovers, crewnecks, zip-ups, or windbreakers, either. Sorry to ruin your “mid-aughts scene kid with pointy hair and skinny arms covered in cutting scars” aesthetic. Have you considered maybe bulking up?
We do have a fuckload of XLs. Sure, you’re 5’8” and 168 pounds of SSRIs and hummus right now, but if you start lifting tomorrow morning at 4:45 and successfully abandon every other aspect of your personality for the next two or three years, a couple of these shirts will fit you real nice.
You know what? I’ve got some Lone Wolf Pre-Workout Blend I could throw in with that XL, too. This Lone Wolf shit is gonna make you HUGE because it’s made with only two all-natural, body-boosting ingredients: non-GMO whey protein and powdered goat fat.
Sure, it tastes like fermented animal hair and dirty fingernails, but THINK OF THE GAINS! Actually, here’s a better deal: if you have some DMT, I’ll give you two-for-one shirts and protein. Two cups of Lone Wolf protein a day is gonna do wonders–it’s the same stuff Rogan uses to stay huge. You can actually hear him talking about it in hour 14 of last Thursday’s episode if you missed that one.
King, this is the deal of a lifetime because you’ll feel great, look great, and finally get some respect in the pit. Listen, I used to be just like you. I was scrawny, depressed, and riddled with misplaced anger towards women. Now, I have muscles. Why not get a bigger shirt and reboot your physical appearance even though you’ll stay ugly and miserable on the inside forever?
The best part about the XLs is that Under Armour makes them, so they’ll wick sweat away while also letting everyone know you listen to generic hardcore. Plus, the ratio of screenprint to black fabric is all off on the medium anyway.
So, if you want merch, take the XL and rebuild your personality around exercise and meat-based diets or get the fuck out of here, nerd.