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Welcome to Advanced Music Theory 301: Every Band Besides Jefferson Airplane Is Absolute Trash

Class is in session, so sit down and shut up! You might actually learn something. The only way any of you are gonna pass is by accepting the fact that any band who isn’t Jefferson Airplane belongs in the garbage.

You’re probably saying to yourself “Well, what about the Beatles?” Four hacks from Liverpool. One’s a wife beater, one’s a simpleton, and they never came close to touching the power of the psychedelic sound that allowed Jefferson Airplane to absolutely knock the Beatles’ stupid dicks in the goddamn dirt.

Need I remind you, I am your professor and these are objective facts.

“Oh, but no one’s ever made a movie about Jefferson Airplane!” Maybe not, but they also didn’t make a bunch of shitty movies about Jefferson Airplane, whereas every single movie about The Beatles is sentimental tacky crap. Here’s a movie pitch for you: What if you woke up in a world where The Beatles never existed? I’d have a fucking party, because Paul McCartney can eat my whole ass!

Why aren’t you all writing this down?

“But what about Led Zeppelin?” Oh yeah, four white dudes who act like they invented blues guitar and read way too much J.R.R. Tolkien. When Led Zeppelin writes “White Rabbit,” maybe I’ll give a shit. Houses Of The Holy? More like Houses Of The Holy Shit, I Can’t Believe People Still Listen To This Trash!

No one comes close to touching Jefferson Airplane. And I’m not even talking just classic rock. You think Lady Gaga or the Foo Fighters ever wrote a song half as good as “Somebody to Love?” I never knew my father, but that’s because I’m pretty sure my mother conceived me in a virgin birth nine months after hearing Jefferson Airplane on the radio for the very first time.

Your first assignment is to go home tonight and listen to Jefferson Airplane’s seminal album Surrealistic Pillow from start to finish. Yes, that is a real album name. Stop snickering. If you don’t get it, then frankly, you shouldn’t bother coming back to class. Just stay home and listen to your stupid Dave Matthews Band CDs and never bother anyone ever again. For those of you who do get it, make sure to immediately burn all albums in your collection that aren’t Jefferson Airplane.

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