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We Sat Down With Zach Braff and Explained to Him How the Shins Did Not in Fact Change Our Lives

In 2004, a film was released to promote the compilation album “Garden State,” which was the strange and obsessive work of actor Zach Braff. For years, we have been trying to contact Braff and let him know we’ve got a bone to pick with a promise he made in that movie.

Thanks to a successful Instagram catfishing campaign against his best friend and “Scrubs” co-star Donald Faison, we finally managed to get Braff’s personal contact info and lured him down to Hard Times HQ for a sit-down.

The Hard Times: Hi Zach, thanks for coming to speak with us. May we offer you a complimentary copy of “Heartworms?”
Zach Braff: No thanks, I’ve got it on vinyl already. I’m a big vinyl guy.

Yeah, that tracks. Okay, we’re going to be straight with you, Zach. We watched your movie.
Oh, you saw A Good Person? I wrote that for Florence [Pugh], you know.

What? No, we mean.
Wish I Was Here?

C’mon, man, nobody saw that. We saw Garden State and we just want to let you know we listened to the Shins and it didn’t change our lives in the least. Like, not even a little bit.
Uh, okay. What were you expecting to happen once you listened to them?

We don’t know. But something. Maybe the bland, passionless experience of existence that’s all we have ever known would be revealed as something we’re imposing on ourselves and that we can all choose to be happy? Or maybe we thought we’d get to hang out with Natalie Portman.
Yeah, you definitely should. Nat’s great. Remember how she took down Moby that one time?

Haha, that was awesome.
Classic Natalie. What Shins album did you listen to?

“Wincing the Night Away.”
Well, that’s your problem right there. You gotta check out “Oh, Inverted World,” and definitely no James Mercer-Danger Mouse stuff if you want your life to change.

Fuck, you’re right. You know what did change our life, though? That one song that goes, “I’m no superman.”
Oh nice.

Yeah, it’s pretty good.