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We Sat Down With Steve Albini and He Spent the Whole Interview Criticizing Our Microphone Placement

When the opportunity arose to speak with producer, engineer, and musician Steve Albini, we spared no expense making sure our questions were up to par with the legend himself. As diehard Steve Albini fans, known as “Albini-Babies,” we took extra time and care into our questions. We’re talking Nardwuar levels, here. Too bad we couldn’t get to any of those questions because cranky-ass old man Steve kept barking at us for placing the microphones wrong even though it’s only an interview. Jesus fucking Christ.

The Hard Times: Hi Steve! Sorry. Hello Mr. Albini. We’re huge fans. First, we want to thank you so much for taking the time to chat with us.

Steve Albini: Yeah, no problem. Hey, are you gonna keep that mic there?

Uh, I mean, I guess we don’t have to. Maybe we can put it over by the wall? You tell us, you’re the expert. Haha!

No, what the fuck are you doing? Are you some kind of idiot? An SM57 by the wall? Do you want it to sound like mud?

Uh, it… umm. How about here?

Why the fuck are you putting it there? How are you gonna make the kick drum sound like someone slapping a raw ham if you put it up so high?

Kick drum? There’s no ki-

Jesus, you fuckin’ goon. Give it to me. Give me the fucking microphone.

I don’t know if I can give it to you. I think I’m supposed to keep it so I can-

Look, I’m running this fucking session. Let me show you how to do it.

Pretty sure we booked this interview.

I can change your fuckin’ diaper when I’m done getting this snare to ring like a microwave at 2 AM! Now gimme that damn microphone!

We lost the rest of the interview because he made us sit 8 feet away from the mic and shout everything. After all that, he put our vocals so low in the mix that it’s barely audible over the electric mandolin.

That said, the audio of the interview got a 7.6 on Pitchfork and now we have a record deal with Sub Pop. Thanks, Steve!