Our other straight edge buddies would give us so much shit if they knew we were doing this, but times are tough, so when our worst coworker Twig offered us $40 for clean piss so he and his friends could pass their court mandated drug tests, we couldn’t say no.
Upon arriving at Twig’s house, the same Slightly Stoopid album he always plays at work was blasting. We sat on the couch and the guy next to us instinctively passed us a bong. It took them all a minute to register why this was a dumb move, but finally the guy melted into the bean bag chair chimed in with a revelatory, “oh, dude, wait.”
We made forced conversation while a muted episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force played to the tune of “Closer to the Sun.” They asked what we did for 4/20 and what we had planned for 7/10. They excitedly told us about their plans to drive out to Colorado for the band’s two-night run at Red Rocks, which they described as a “pilgrimage.” The mood changed a little when the guy who was supposed to drive told the group his car didn’t pass inspection, but that he could probably borrow his cousin’s.
Finally we felt that we could provide an adequate supply of piss, so we asked Twig to point us to the bathroom and for something to pee into. He pointed to a doorway that was just beads and handed us an empty Yerba Mate can. We asked if he had literally anything else and the girl laying on the floor graciously emptied out her Pringles container and gave us that.
The bathroom counter was covered in trash and the hand towel looked like it had never been washed. We pissed into the Pringles container and felt a wave of shame rush over us that we’d never experienced before. Forty. Fucking. Dollars.
We exited the bathroom and handed the leaking Pringles container to Twig. Twig asked the room if anyone had “cash to throw down” for the urine and everyone reluctantly started digging into their pockets.
After counting all of the wadded up bills, Twig presented us with twenty-nine dollars, but promised that he’d get us the rest. “We’re good for it bro. I’ll get you at work.” We aren’t expecting to see that eleven dollars and at this point we don’t even want it.