It’s Christmas time, and here at The Hard Times that means generating headlines that relate punk culture-type things to Christmas because algorithms. I thought I had a real softball with this punk Christmas song listicle idea. Unfortunately, I just said the first number to pop into my head, which was 20. I could have said “five” but no, I said 20.
My editor has made it clear that I’m not allowed to include covers, and if I fail I will be fired on Christmas eve. Here we go!
20. “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)” Ramones
This one ranks last on our list because I’m not actually ranking them in any particular order. I need to find 20 original punk songs about Christmas or I’m fired, I don’t have time for that crap.
19. “Fairytale of New York” The Pogues
Finishing out the two I can think of off the top of my head it’s every whiskey hipster’s favorite Irish band. “A Christmas song with a homophobic slur?!” It happened!
18. “I Won’t Be Home For Christmas” Blink-182
Tired of all that boring old Christmas music that all sounds the same? Spice up your holiday playlist with a Blink-182 song that sounds like every other Blink-182 song!
17. “All I Want for Christmas Is You” Mariah Carey
Show me where in the punk rulebook it says Mariah Carey isn’t punk and I’ll show you some weird poser with a punk rulebook. So tired…
16. “Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy” David Bowie & Bing Crosby
No, I can use this one! Bowie is at least punk adjacent, and the “Peace on Earth” bit was written specifically for this collaboration so it’s not just a cover of a standard! Suck it!
15. “Punk Rawk Christmas” MxPx
Pretty on the nose but, well…
14. “Oi to the World” The Vandals
Not a cover!
13. “Yule Shoot Your Eye Out” Fallout Boy
20 fucking songs. My hubris.
12. “Christmas is Cancelled” Bankrupt
Okay!
11. War on Xmas is Over (If You Buy It) – Anti-Flag
Seeing a recurring pattern here…
10. “Merry Christmas, Kiss My Ass” All Time Low
God Christmas punk is stupid.
9. “I Ain’t Dreamin of a White Christmas” Direct Hit!
What a cool punk subversion of my Christmas expectations.
8. “Xmas Has Been X’ed” NOFX
Everyone knows NOFX peaked in the post-George W. Bush era
7. Fuck Christmas – Fear
What a cool punk subversion of my Christmas expectations.
6. “Happy Holidays, You Bastard” Blink-182
What a cool punk subversion of my Christmas expectations.
5. “Bloody Unholy Christmas” Bloodsucking Zombies from Outer Space
So fucking tired. I just want it to be over,
4. “I’ve Got a Boner for Christmas” Nerf Herder
What a cool punk subversion of my Christmas expectations.
3. “Santa Smells Like Whiskey” The Fisticuffs
Almost there, come on baby…
2. “Homo Christmas” Pansy Division
It’s a Queercore Christmas Miracle! So close…
1. “Christmas at Ground Zero” “Weird Al” Yankovic
If you need convincing that “Weird Al” counts as punk you don’t even deserve Christmas, but this is a Christmas song about nuclear-fucking-armagedon, so, check mate.
I DID IT! I finished the list and salvaged my job! Now at Christmas diner when my dad says “You still working for that porn site or whatever?” I can proudly say “Yeah.”