Press "Enter" to skip to content

We Rank the Presents We Got Based on How Easy It Will Be to Return Them for Cash

Christmas is a magical time of year, in which anything seems possible! It’s a time when, even though you forgot to buy anyone in your family gifts, for some reason, the people who love you still gave you several thoughtful, personalized presents. And, hey, if you’re lucky, you can exchange those gifts for money! We ranked the gifts we got this year based on how easy it will be for us to exchange them for cold, hard, cash.

5. Parents letting us crash in their basement for another year
We hadn’t even realized this was something that they’d considered not extending, until Dad told us we were lucky he hadn’t thrown us out. Still, until we get a new band off the ground and on tour, it’s great to have someplace to sleep without needing to pay rent. Unfortunately, there’s nowhere to go if we try to pass this offer onto someone else, so really, this can’t even be exchanged, let alone returned.

4. $100 Visa gift card

Our weed guy won’t accept this as a form of payment, and no one we’ve tried to sell it to is biting. But if you want it, hit us up. Our cell service is turned off till we can make our next payment, but you can always hit up our DMs.

3. Grandma’s homemade cookies
I know they say it’s the thought that counts, but I don’t know what the fuck Grandma was thinking when she sent us these. By the time she’d shipped us these they were already pretty stale. She’s really lost her touch since we moved her into that home. We might be able to sell these to some neighbor kids if we pretend they’re “special” cookies, so not a complete loss.

2. Heirloom Pocket Watch
Apparently, our great-great-grandfather brought this over from the homeland, and it’s been passed down through our family for generations, so it should be worth at least a couple hundred bucks at the pawnshop.

1.Binax COVID Antigen Tests – pack of two
Our mom gave us these to take before we gather with the family for Christmas dinner, but it turns out these are something of a hot fucking commodity this year. Returning them to the store directly would only get us like twenty bucks, but on the Facebook Marketplace, there are people willing to pay way more. Things really are starting to feel jolly around here!