We’ve all seen them: band stickers inside of urinals, the part where pee goes, and wondered who puts them there and why.
Here at The Hard Times, we refuse to let life’s greatest mysteries go unanswered. When we found a sticker for sludge doom band Corpse Swab in the urinal of our favorite venue, we had to get to the bottom of it.
Our search led us to Allen “Scuzz” McDuff, bassist for said band. When we reached out for a phone interview, bandmates told us McDuff was “between phones” at the moment but could meet “pretty much whenever” for an in-person at our office.
We learned a number of surprising things from the interview. Mostly, how much of our stuff he was able to touch in half an hour. You can read the highlights below while we go out and buy some Lysol.
Hard Times: I guess the real question is… no the door is fine open, please, just leave it… the real question is, why? Why do you do this?
Scuzz: Any dipshit can put his band’s sticker on the wall of a bathroom. It takes a special kind of person to see the urinal for what it really is. A big, blank canvas going to waste.
Hard Times: Did it occur to you there might be a reason for that?
Scuzz: I guess other people aren’t as enterprising as me when it comes to promo. Hey, are the drinks in the fridge up for grabs, or, like, what’s up with that?
Hard Times: No, they’re communal. What would you like? We can get it for…
Scuzz: Nice! Let’s see what you got. Oh, man, you guys have, like, every flavor of La Croix in here. Pussies.
After digging to the back of the fridge for our last Steel Reserve, McDuff explained his special technique for adhering stickers to wet surfaces. He drew us a diagram on the whiteboard, testing out several pens before finding one he liked. Then, he gave us a live demonstration with our tape dispenser despite our vehement insistence that it was not necessary.
We were able to corral him back into a chair but not before he thumbed through our record collection and helped himself to a few sticks of gum from a pack lying on the table. Eventually, somebody found an old fidget spinner in their drawer to keep him occupied for the rest of the interview.
Hard Times: How do you feel about the fact that people are literally pissing on your band?
Scuzz: It’s all about placement. A guy’s favorite thing is his dick, right? And there’s my band, right next to your dick. It’s, like, positive association or whatever.
The Hard Times: The dick is still pissing, though.
Scuzz: Yeah, but…uhhhh…
After a few more hard-hitting questions, we thanked McDuff for his time and showed him the door. On the way out, he stopped to use the bathroom and then shook all of our hands afterwards.
Later that day, we found a sticker for Corpse Swab in the base of our urinal.