It is the time of year again when my company forces all of its employees to congregate in a cramped conference room where they feed us room-temperature cheese and soggy chicken fingers while bragging about what a profitable year the company has had, while also informing us that the economic downturn means nobody outside of management will be receiving bonuses. Luckily, there is also an open bar with an underpaid bartender who doesn’t care enough to worry about over-serving. Here are the top 7 Jack & Cokes that I drank while suffering through small talk with my co-workers.
7. Jack and Coke Number Three
Clearly more Coke than Jack. I downed this in about three gulps while Dale from AP (I think? Maybe AR) was talking to me about how “Die Hard” is a Christmas movie and then somehow transitioned into how he thinks his wife might be cheating on him with his brother. I needed to be way more buzzed to deal with this.
6. Jack and Coke Number Seven
While I do enjoy the solitude of being alone in the men’s room, clutching the toilet as I expel the ⅓ of a Kroger fruit tray I took down all by myself, I am going to be honest in saying I think I may have had a little too much to drink tonight. I’m just glad I didn’t try to fight Dave again like I did last year. All I have to do is make it to my Uber without anyone seeing me.
5. Jack and Coke Number Two
Is anything even in these? I don’t feel anything, not even that warm flush in my legs. I wouldn’t be surprised if they found a way to sneak non-alcoholic whiskey into our drinks. I told the guy to hold the ice and fill this fucker to the top, and I think this might be the bartender’s way of getting back at me for calling him “Little Man” when I made my order. Someone just suggested karaoke… I definitely need another.
4. Jack and Coke Number Five
Well, well, well, look who got his hands on the microphone. I guess now I have the opportunity to tell you all what I really think about you. I have been working my ass off here for almost eight years and it’s safe to say that I have learned enough secrets to bring this company down is an understatement. Embezzlement, harassment, OSHA violations. And don’t think I don’t have receipts. I could bring this company to its knees with one email to the DOJ. Try me, just try me!
3. Jack and Coke Number Four
I am definitely feeling those drinks now and I’ll be honest, Mariah Carey is hitting me just the right way. Only problem is that I may have just made a pass at my boss’s wife. The weird part is that she didn’t seem upset and neither did he. I may be in a thruple now.
2. Jack and Coke Number One
Oh yeah, that is exactly what I needed. If they think that I can’t make up for a lack of a Christmas bonus with an open bar and free food, they are going to be sorely mistaken. I am going to become a blurry dance of productivity, fueled by liquid courage and a touch of rebellious spirit. Let’s get this party started!
1. Jack & Coke Number Six
No, no no, I will not be silenced! Shhh, Shhh I am gonna tell, Mr. I-Made-A-Zillion-Dollars-This-Year just what I think of him. You! Yeah you! If you weren’t my boss I’d fight you. What? You think I won’t!? Let’s do this! Right here and now! Yeah I know my shirt is off. I don’t care. You afraid of what you see? This is a real man’s body and I am not ashamed about it. I cand oaiisid alslsa withks BREAK YOUR GODDAMN NOSE! Just gimme a reason, just one reason! Get off me man, get off!