As a mother, I derail a lot of conversations to be about my opinions on circumcision, but I wasn’t always like this. When I was pregnant with my first son, Kaiden, I had very little to say about the subject. I knew that penises came with a little skin cap on top and that you’re supposed to cut it off because of AIDS or Judaism or something. Now that I’m pregnant again with another boy I am ready to announce that I have changed my mind: penises are disgusting, and the half-measure of circumcision leaves them relatively unharmed and thus must be stopped.
It is revolting to me that the foreskin is the only part of the penis we remove at birth. What about the head? Is it really necessary to have a fleshy pink bulb attached to our sons for the sake of tradition? Or the shaft, a horrible tube designed only to create evil? We keep these? Just so the baby will match his father? If you ask me, society is wrong for mutilating the genitals of our boys in such a minimal way that preserves most of the function and sensitivity. We need to cut these dicks off and throw them in the trash where they belong.
A popular argument I hear in defense of circumcision is that it makes the penis easier to clean. To that I ask, have you ever smelled a penis? They have the odor of a fat guy’s palm after he eats Cool Ranch Doritos… and that’s fresh out of the shower. It is completely barbaric and antiquated to allow our sons to have penises.
Related: I Didn’t Vaccinate My Kids and the One Who Lived Turned out Fine
Another alleged benefit to the procedure is that circumcision reduces the risk of contracting an STD by 30%. However, the only completely effective method of sexual protection is abstinence, and the only way to ensure lifelong abstinence is by removing the cock and balls at birth and, ideally, destroying them in a powerful fire. It’s 2017, and it’s time we accept that dicks are vile garbage.
With all this in mind, I have thought long and hard about the pros and cons of what we did to little Kaiden and I’ve decided that there is only one ethical choice I can make for my new son: He will be castrated. And Kaiden, now 14 (ugh), will have his disgusting hog surgically removed at the same time. I call on all mothers to have the same done to their sons. Join me and be the change this world so desperately needs.