A new buzzed-about phrase that the media has been discussing lately is the idea that men in society are experiencing a severe epidemic of loneliness. Don’t get me wrong, I agree that mental health is incredibly important, but I also like to call out crap whenever I hear it. That’s why I can unequivocally say this isn’t a real problem — and I have the confidence to say that in a room filled with a dozen smiling faces I’ve drawn on volleyballs. As long as they stay with me, I’ll never be alone.
If you’re one of those people who crave face-to-face interaction with actual human beings, that’s perfectly fine — just know that more often than not, it’ll leave you disappointed when they inevitably fail to meet your needs. Like when you invited everyone over to each birthday you ever had from age five to thirty-five, and nobody ever bothered to show up.
Real-life people, back when I still interacted with them, used to call me “unhinged” with a “screw-loose,” coupled with a personality that was “downright frightening.” These were just lies, inspired by jealousy. Nothing could be further from the truth, and if you disagree, feel free to take it up with my close-knit circle of Mikasa V200Ws, who I’m confident will gladly vouch for me.
That’s why my life is so much better than everyone else’s — who wouldn’t want a team of devoted, loyal pals who’ve always got your back? If I ask one of them to be my plus-one for Friday movie night, they never say no. Well, except for that one occasion with my blue Wilson K1. But let’s just say a swift puncture to the side of his tiny leathered face quickly resolved matters, and we’ve been on great terms ever since.
Whether you want to call it “modern solitude,” a “social disconnection crisis,” or “a crippling case of isolation caused by my questionable interactions with inanimate objects that is now on the radar of local law enforcement,” that’s up to you. All I know is that tonight I’m gonna do what I always do on Friday nights — cracking open a few cold ones, throwing on my Fight Club DVD, and having sex with a bunch of volleyballs.