I’m a typical American. I like my THC-infused beverages cold, my mac-and-Cheetos burgers hot, and my government wielding its awesome power in obscene ways to do things I like.
Yeah, I’ve heard of the Constitution. I’ve also heard of people getting worked up about “unconstitutional” this and “illegal detentions” that, or “this crotch kicking policy makes me pee chowder” something else. How many of those people have read the Constitution? I mean, actually sat down and studied it?
I sure as hell haven’t. No need to. I have a working knowledge of jurisprudence from memes, my co-worker Forklift Steve (RIP), and porn. This gives me a certain clarity.
If the government does stuff I like, it’s constitutional. If it doesn’t, I’m buying a gun. If someone else eats shit in either scenario, then “the tingle means it’s working,” as it’s said. Bonus points if that tingle targets people I never liked in the first place. Double bonus points if the prison they’re sent to has a cool nickname.
What’s that? Am I a lawyer? Yes. I’ve represented myself in many court cases. Guess what? I didn’t need some “real” attorney to get my manslaughter charge lowered from the fourth to first degree all by myself.
Look, all I want to do is make fuck-you money, stay high, and maybe own a horse. If the government needs to kill a few kittens, I’m for it so long as they make that shit look cool. War? Torture? Disappearances? Corruption? At best, I’ll recite the Pledge at a gas station when the whistle finally blows. At worst, the movie version will win an Oscar in 20 years. Besides, the victims of government atrocities are dead long before any discussion of “rights” begins. It’s all freebies until then. So go bomb that hospital, toss those undesirables into unmarked vans, blow the budget on pork, and then cut me a check. I also take Venmo.
Call me hypocritical, but you’re no different. Deep down, you love it when the government breaks bones in your favor, and you hate it when that same heavy hand turns against you. It’s all worth it for the chance to watch your enemies’ guts drip off the toes of Big Brother.
Now go answer that knock at your door. The Department of Defense received a tip that there’s oil under your house. My new Kia isn’t going to fuel itself.