Reel Big Fish is, without a doubt, the greatest ska band that came about as a result of third-wave ska from the 90s. And I’m not just saying this because I had a debauched 11-way with all of the members of Reel Big Fish. But for some reason, when I told my friends about this encounter, they didn’t respond with envious disbelief.
I mean a lot of people can say they skanked with Reel Big Fish, but they haven’t skanked the way I have. So you’d think that they’d be super envious and ask for more details, but instead, they had no idea what I was talking about. In fact, at first, they thought I was saying I had sex with some sort of fishing club.
What’s even weirder is that they didn’t care to hear about every personal detail I learned about the band during this orgy. For example, did you know that Aaron Barrett’s pubic hair is also in the shape of mutton chops? Well, you do now! John Christianson also has three testicles. Or maybe it was just a hernia I discovered that he developed after blowing his trumpet too hard.
While describing how great it is having a tromboner give you a hand job because of their ability to work the slide, my friend decided to inform me that they had sex with Sting once. But who gives a shit about that? That’s just one guy, and I heard he’s a cop or something. But I had an entire horn section run train on me. Yet for some reason, she acted like fucking Sting is cooler than what I did, but it’s totally not.
I don’t know how anyone could look at their discography and not realize the sexual gods that these men are. Everything Sucks? Well, they all sucked me. Why Do They Rock So Hard? They were all super rock hard. Monkeys for Nothin’ and the Chimps for Free? Well, OK, I did have to sign an NDA denying any chimps or monkeys were involved with what we did.
It is really unfortunate how these uncultured swine don’t understand how significant of an event this was. Now, if you excuse me, I’ve got to go because I’m late for a 311 way with the members of, well, take a guess.
