You’ve probably heard that my little business venture has been getting a lot of attention lately, and not just because I’ve been reporting my competitors for bogus zoning violations. Looks like this is my ticket out of our old hometown and into the big time! I’m so glad we get to share this moment — I mean, it’s my moment, but you’re here to see it. I want to make sure you know that I’ll never, ever let success change me. Even when I’m at the top of the ladder, I’m going to be exactly what I’ve always been: colossally reprehensible.
Why should having more money and status make me change my ways? It’s not like I’m going to stop cutting people off in traffic; I’ll just be in a nicer car. I’m excited to really go all in on the way I already act. Harassing baristas must be extra satisfying when you have the power to probably get them fired, not to mention the resources to afford a venti with extra shots, rather than ordering a tall and then insisting that I ordered a—actually, no, I’ll still do that, it gives me a sense of control.
People have been warning me that success changes people, or at least they’re probably saying that; listening is boring. But I’ve seen like fifty movies where money makes a guy become thoughtless and miss his kid’s big soccer game or something. I am so relieved that that won’t happen to me, because I wasn’t thoughtful to begin with, and because there is no proof that any of those kids are mine. I also have a lifetime ban from youth soccer for heckling.
Anyway, rest assured, I’m not going to forget where I came from. I’ll always think fondly of you and all the other little people I made miserable on my way up. Nothing has to change just because I’m going to leave our town, see the world, and negatively impact other people’s lives. And no matter if I’m flying first class, business, or coach, I’m taking my shoes off on the plane. How else am I gonna trim my toenails on the way there?