Press "Enter" to skip to content

So You Made It All the Way Home Before Realizing That Five Pound Bag of Pistachios Is Unsalted, Now What?

So you made it all the way home from the grocery store before you realized that the five pound bag of pistachios you bought are unsalted, now what? Most likely, you’re experiencing a range of emotions, which are all natural phases of the grieving process. It’s important to feel your feelings before you ultimately shove the bag in the back of a cupboard, where it will stay until the next time you move.

Before you panic, be sure to read the bag no less than 500 times — front, back, and all one of the ingredients. I mean, this can’t be happening, right? No, definitely not. This is you we’re talking about here, and this could never happen to you.

OK, you know what? FUCK THESE NUTS. Unsalted? Not even lightly salted? Honestly, what asshole at the pistachio company would even think to not put salt on this many pistachios before selling them to the public? They better thank their lucky stars that I still have one of those phone plans with minutes and that I’m out of those minutes or I would call them right now and go all the way the fuck off on their dumb asses.

I don’t know… maybe unsalted pistachios aren’t so bad. Worst case scenario, I can just sprinkle some salt into the bag and shake it up and it’ll totally be the same thing as if they came with salt. Right?

I should just give up right now. This bag was so fucking expensive. I’m not sure how pouring salt over something doesn’t make it taste salty at all. I guess that’s what I get for spending a million dollars on one bag of nuts like I’m fucking Meghan Markle or something. I wish I just stopped and got french fries like I wanted to.


You know what? These aren’t so bad. I mean, I’ll definitely never eat them like this because they taste like absolute shit no matter what I do, but c’est la vie, right? And the truth is, there are plenty of things one can do with a five pound bag of what might as well be gravel. You could use these nasty little saltless nuts to line the bottom of a freshwater fish tank, repave your driveway with them, knock a robber unconscious, Home Alone-style, or even winterize your favorite pair of cargo shorts by stuffing this entire bag into one of the pockets, which may help prevent slipping and fishtailing in icy walking conditions.