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Quiz: Is She Your Soulmate or Did She Just Listen to You Talk About Yourself for Two Hours

After all the years of bad first dates and bookended relationships, you finally found your twin flame. Who could have guessed your cosmic counterpart would be right under your nose at the 2-for-1 happy hour of your local watering hole? Not so fast. Silence the wedding bells ringing in your ears and take our five-question quiz to find out if she’s truly your soulmate or if she just listened to you talk about yourself uninterrupted for two hours.

1. What is her name?

a. She doesn’t have one
b. I’ll check the name on her debit card when she pays for our drinks at the end of the night
c. The same name as my mom’s but with a different spelling

2. Where does she live?

a. In the deepest recesses of my heart
b. Hopefully within walking distance because I really need somewhere to crash tonight and I’m fucking hammered
c. Around the corner from where I used to live, which reminds me of a really long story I need to tell her involving a bunch of people she’s never met

3. Do you feel comfortable opening up to her?

a. I have trauma dumped on her in a way that makes the Great Pacific Garbage Patch look like a community garden compost bin.
b. She knows things about me that would make my closest family members wonder if they ever really knew me at all.
c. She is one ‘mother’s maiden name’ piece of information away from being able to steal my entire identity

4. What is most attractive about her?

a. She said she would watch my cat next weekend while I’m in Rochester for a skate trip
b. She looks exactly like my ex-girlfriend who I keep working into the conversation
c. She’s age-appropriate but still young enough that I can manipulate her empathetic nature and soft malleable heart

5. What were some of your most fondest memories of the night

a. The enlightened look on her face when I explained the marbling process of wagyu beef
b. All the times she nodded in agreement while I explained I was both the brains and the brawn behind my recently formed band “Tyrannosaurus Hex”
c. How turned on she looked when I explained how riding a fixed-gear bike makes for a much more intentional experience
The boner I got when she told me she’d never been to Japan before and asked me for recommendations in Osaka