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So Proud: My Poo-Covered Baby Is the Next GG Allin

Like all moms, I think my baby is very special. Except unlike every other mom in the world, I’m actually right. My baby is special! I knew as soon as I took baby Daniel home from the hospital, rolling in his own poop and barf: My baby is the next GG Allin. And I’m so very proud!

We all know there is one and only one important thing in music: to shock everybody. It doesn’t matter how or why, but all great artists (and people!) are shocking for a living. Just look at how well Milo Yiannopolous is doing! And Ann Coulter? Punk as fuck! My baby Daniel is punk as fuck too! Just like GG Allin, Daniel is gross and poops on everything.


My baby shows no respect for other people’s time or bodies. He pooped on our cat so much I can just feel he’s going to be a famous pooper someday! And he grabs all his babysitters’ nipples – even the underage ones! What a true rock star! I hope he never learns healthy boundaries; GG Allin certainly never did.

Related: I Didn’t Vaccinate My Kids and the One Who Lived Turned out Fine

One time at our mommy and me playgroup, baby Daniel stuck his tongue in an electrical socket. I watched him shake as electricity pulsed through his tiny baby body. And while the other moms screamed and pretended to look horrified, I could tell they were totally jealous. My baby is so fucking badass he has permanent brain damage. And he’s not even 1. Talk about a music prodigy! This is the kind of early life experience that inspires great songs like, “Fucking The Dog!”

The people at Child Protective Services are also totally jealous. What other reason would they have for wanting to take baby Daniel away? They just want to take credit for his art! But I’ll get him back and raise him right. I can’t wait to be there in the audience as my precious baby Daniel takes his own life onstage, just like GG Allin promised us he would (better never had the balls to actually do). I’ll scream, “I’m his mother!” and beam with pride as my little one’s life comes to an end in front of thousands of people. Punk fucking ROCK!

Is your baby also a shock rock prodigy? Let us know in the comments below!