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I Am the Most Prominent Member of This Grocery Co-Op and I Will Have You Destroyed

Do you know who the hell I am?

I am the most important member of the Shasta Produce Grocery Co-op in Maplewood, New Jersey. I put in the MOST equity hours placing groceries in reusable bags for free. I toil over layout designs for our quarterly newsletter, which is printed on 100% recycled and responsibly sourced paper BY THE WAY. I spend hours at this desk made of reclaimed furniture updating our mailing list.

And do you know what that means? Around here, I’m GOD.

If you lip off one more time about the lack of variation in the organic black beans we stock on our shelves, I will ruin you.

But not just you.

I will ruin the life of everyone you have ever loved.

I will ruin the life of everyone who has ever loved you.

I will destroy you emotionally. I will destroy you physically. I will destroy you financially.

If you have any children, they will forget your existence. They will never remember your loving embrace. They will never remember what it was like to be held by their parents.

Why? Because you dare to criticize how we stack our Greek yogurt selection.

Don’t think I can pull this off? Don’t think I’m capable of this?

Related: Top 5 Labels to Boycott for Not Signing My Band

You don’t know me. You don’t know the things I’ve seen.

I know people. I know very scary, evil people. I know people who would love nothing more than to whip you with a broken car antennae as your co-workers stand idly by and watch as you whimper and beg unknown assailants for their mercy.

Remember that mailing list I help to organize?

I don’t organize it by last name.

I organize it by who has broken the spirits of the most men. By who has done my bidding without fear of consequence. By who I know I can trust to do the same to YOU.

Also, the kale you requested is out for delivery now.