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Our Forensic Sketch Artist Rendered the Punisher Skull’s Face and Holy Shit There Was Something Very Wrong With That Guy

Countless American men of various beard lengths own a truck or Yeti tumbler covered in Punisher skull stickers. Often, this sticker accompanies their other trademark personality traits: We the People vinyl decals and erectile dysfunction. However, the Punisher skull holds a sacred place in their heart because it’s a sign of toughness. You can’t fuck with these guys or their guns no matter how many times they get arrested for domestic violence!

But we wondered, what did this insurrectionist dog whistle look like before he was field dressed for fascism? So, we asked our forensic artists to render the punisher skull’s face, and HOLY SHIT there was something very wrong with that guy.

This guy had teeth twice as long as his forehead which hung all the way down to his chest like some kind of Dungeons & Dragons beaver wizard. We’d tell you about his lower jaw, but with an incomplete fossil record, we only have theories as to whether or not he even had one.

What about the skull’s signature badass eye sockets? Turns out they were way less patriotic in real life because those unnaturally wide, sharp-angled sockets made his actual eyeballs oblong nightmares built for two things: reading “The Silmarillion” and shedding an extra mucus membrane every thirty minutes. Seeing the 3D renderings of those bulbous retinas reminded us of that alien autopsy video we watched at our aunt’s house in ‘95.

Posthumously, Juan’s alt-right cheekbones can cut through a Tucker Carlson lunchbox like a hot knife through butter. But before becoming a symbol of the prison industrial complex, his actual cheeks were brittle and covered in lesions.

Overall, the guy looked miserable, so it’s nice to think the conservative community was woke enough to celebrate his life. Seeing tough guys put this poor soul’s likeness on their $300 cooler means maybe they can find space in their hearts to accept others that don’t look or think like them. Maybe they’ll see these images and realize stickers invoking a gun-toting vigilante is a little much for a metal coffee cup at a real estate office on Monday morning.

Probably not, though. Once conservatives see this shit, they’ll call it an Antifa psyop, set their aluminum tumblers on fire, and call Frank Castle a safe-space lib.