Every year, our editor’s doctor forces him to take a vacation before his job causes a mental breakdown. As you can imagine, reviewing and rejecting the hundreds of asinine ska pun headlines we writers submit takes a toll.
But, as this just so happens to be his vacation week, we thought we’d risk our jobs and post all of those dumb headlines without his permission.
Here’s all 311 ska pun headlines rejected by our editor has already rejected:
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- Depressed Bosstone Not Feeling So Mighty Mighty
- Real Big Phish Fan Mocks Reel Big Fish Fan
- Poll Reveals That Alaska’s Favorite Genre Of Music Is, Alas, Ska
- Rude Boi Turned College Frat Bro Pumped to Go Skankin Tonight
- Ska Fan Scott Changes Name to Skatt
- Reformed Ska Frontman has Checkered Past
- Stop Your Messing Around With The Mirror in the Bathroom at Our House
- Ska Fan with Severe Carpal Tunnel Can No Longer Pick It Up
- Ska Janitor Picks It Up
- Baggage Mixup Leaves Trombone Player With Lowly Trumpet
- Jamaica to Launch New Weather Skatalite
- The Only Way to Stop a Bad Guy with a Gun is a Rude Boy With a Gun
- Midwest Ska Band Pushing the Limits With Band Name WiSKAnsin
- Trumpet Player Only Says Happy SKAlidays
- Vegan Ska Fan Refuses to Wear Pork Pie Hat
- Kid Rock Pivots With ‘Skawitdaba’ Remix
- Operation Ivy Board Game Penalizes You Each Time You Don’t Pick It Up, Pick It Up
- Unwashed Rude Boy Comes Down with a Case of Skabies
- Jewish Rude Boy Celebrated by Saying Skazletov
- Prince Buster Usurps King Tubby
- Rude Boy Gets Knocked Down, Gets Back Up Again, No One Gonna Keep Him Down. He Gets Knocked Down…
- Ska Math Teacher Discovers Answer to be Less Than or Equal to Jake
- SaSKAtchewan. That’s It, That’s the Headline
- Girl Not That Kind of Skank
- High School Marching Band Just One Good Party Away from Becoming Ska Band
- WWE Debuts Confusing New Wrestler “Hackska” Jim Duggan
- Parents Worried about Daughter “Going Skanking” for All the Wrong Reasons
- “Do I Make You Horny?” – Skaustin Powers
- Reel Big Fish Show Doesn’t Sell Out
- Perfectly Healthy Ska Chihuahua Put Down
- Reagan Administration Responsible for Introducing Crack Rock Steady Into lower Income Neighborhoods
- Rude Boy Now Polite Boy
- We Talked to Paul Simonon about the Time He Invented Ska
- New Region of Skandanavia Delights Ska Fans, Angers Hard Times Editor
- Mother Receives Gift Certificate for One Hour Ska Treatment
- White Ska Hard Seltzer Selling Poorly
- Touring Rude Boys Can’t Find a Single Skaliday Inn for Tonight
- Mardi Ska Attracts Wrong Kind of Skanking
- Ska Website Requires 2 Tone Verification
- Olive Garden Offering Unlimited Skaghetti For Checkerboard Clad Patrons
- Boogie-Boarding Ska Fan Prefers Third Wave
- Rude Boy Diagnosed with Leukaemiska
- Group of Actual Suicide Machines Form Suicide Machines Cover Band
- Specials to Play in Their Home Town (Toooowwwwn)
- We Accidentally On Purpose Offended Rancid
- Hunter on Skafari Kills Black and White Checkered Tiger
- SKALAMI SANDWICH
- We made the NebraSKA pun but what about AlaSKA
- Prude 311 Fan Promises Not to Cum Unless It’s Original
- Skangress Fails To Provide Proper Checkers and Balances
- You Won’t Fire Me, Bill – You Don’t Have the SKAlls
- Investigation: Do Reel Big Fish Members Have Reel Big Dick?
- Good Skamaritan That Sees Man Drop Book Helps Him Pick It Up Pick It Up Pick It Up
- Diva Ska Frontman’s List of Venue Demands Includes Assorted Jelly Beans
- Woman that Started a Ska Band to Take 6 Months Skaternity Leave
- Mighty Mighty Bosstones Open New SKAting Rink
- The Specials Ghost Town Played at Halloween Party for Some Reason
- Ska-Themed Italian Restaurant, “Ska-ma Mia!”, Goes Out of Business
- Madness Announces Health Care Plan That Goes One Step Beyond Other Plans
- Rolling Stone Names “Theme Song to Nickelodeon’s Kablam!” Greatest Ska Song of All Time
- Band Name Skacophony a Little Too on the Nose
- Shitty Punk Band Refers to Self as SKAtological
- Skalmond Milk
- Skat Pilgrim vs the World
- Rude Boy Charged with Skaggravated Skassault
- Michael Ska-tt
- Remembering David Foster Wallace, Author of Infinite Skank
- No, No, My Band The UpStrokes Is Not What You Think- It’s Actually A Strokes Ska Cover Band
- Nice
- Flint, Michigan Still Has No Clean Water For Dehydrated Ska Band After Intense Skank Sesh
- All 3 Ska Fans Gather for Historic Photo
- Trumpet Player Doing Improvised Solo is SKAting on Thin Ice
- Metalliska Announces New Album “And Trumpets For All…”
- Margot Robbie Nabs Role In Punk Remake, I, Ska-nya
- We Review The Salman Rushdie Musical The Skatanic Verses
- Boo! A Madea Skalloween
- Skamarama… It’s Exactly What it Sounds
- IHOS: International House of Skankakes
- Ska Band Formed After Marching Band Member Buys First Bag of Weed
- Kinky Ska Trombonist Wishes Boyfriend Would “Lick It Up, Lick It Up, Lick It Up”
- Grittier, More Twisted Joker Asks “Do You Want To Know How I Got All These Ska Records?”
- Ska Trombone Player About to Be Ska Trombone Twirler for Next Three Horn-Less Songs
- Ska Trumpeter Brings Tinder Date Home, Pulls Out the Valve Lube
- Walking Bassline Walks Right Out of Ska Rehearsal
- Hearing-Impaired Ska Guitarist Worried About Getting Hairy Palms From Frequent Syncopation
- OH. MY. SKAD, Becky, Look at that SKANK.
- Skattles: Skank the Rainbow
- Ska Singer Has Checkered Past
- Ska Covers Of The Score From Darren Affronosky’s Requiem For A Dream to be tittled Skaquiem For A Dream
- “Macho Man” Randy Skavage – “Ohhhhhhh Yeahhhhh”
- Christianity Ends After Scholars Reveal His Name Was Actually Jesus Skarist
- SKAlars
- Limited Edition “Ska Croix” Comes In Black-And-White Can, Tastes Fedora Sweat
- Ska Guitarist Only Masturbates Using Up Strokes
- Human Chess Board Doubles as Ska Dance Floor on Fridays
- Goldfingers Superman Gets Gritty Reboot
- Band Called “Skank Sinatska” Apparently The Best That Nine People Could Come Up With
- Kinky Trombone Player Really into Buskkakes
- Jewish Ska Band Looking for a Shofar Player
- X-ray of Frontman’s Skaleton Reveals Black and White Checkered Lesions
- Richard Simmons produces “Skanking to the Oldies” for Out of Shape Ska Fans
- Depressed Rude Boy Listens To The Toasters In Bathtub</li
- Oh My Skad, Everybody Please Skap! I Skan’t Take It Skanymore! I’m Going Inskane!
- Aging Ska Fan Finding it More Difficult to Get It Up, Get It Up, Get It Up
- Annual Skatoberfest Once Again Ends in Bloodbath
- Neighborhood Rude Boys Play Game Of Skaps And Skabbers
- Scene Legend Tragically Succumbs to Skaneurysm
- Opinion: No, YOU’RE Resisting Skarrest
- But Skaft! What Light Through Yonder Window Skanks?
- Guest Skarticle by William Skankspeare
- Ska Band Holds Intervention To Prevent Trombone Player From Sliding Further Into Addiction
- You Can Probably Guess The Title Of This Ska Cover Of Eurotrip’s Scotty Doesn’t Know
- Two Tone Label Acquired By Chess Records
- SKA
- Skasus Christ: Skaperstar
- Ska? Ska ska ska, ska. Ska! Ska, Ska
- Ska Fan Massively Disappointed By Tommy Tutone Concert
- Less Than Jake Recruited by the LA County Jail to Participate in Their Diversionary Program Ska’ed Straight.
- Rude Boy Blossoms Into Rude Man
- Skap in the Name of Love
- Rude Girl Misinterprets Catcall and Begins Skanking on Street
- Man Prefers Less is More Than Jake
- Opinion: I Saw the Best Ska Minds of My Generation Destroyed by the Ska Band Madness, Skanking Hysterical Naked, Dragging Themselves Through the Streetlight Manifesto at Dawn Looking for a Two-Tone Fix Angelheaded Rude Boys Burning for the Ancient Heavenly Connection to the Ska Dynamo in the Machinery of the Night.
- Aging Ska Band Has Difficulty Retaining Tromboners
- Humble-but-Jaded Ska Pioneer Mike Park Refuses to Toot Own Horn
- Weird Pervert Totally Fine With Any Direction Ska-t Porn Takes
- Band Can’t Decide When, How Many Ska Puns to Put Into Lake Titicaca-based Band Name
- Stop Your Messing Around and Get Your Heart Checked for Signs for Heart Disease
- Trombone Player for Mario Skart Quits Band to Start Doing Things that Might Get Him Laid
- 2019 Marks 30 Year Anniversary of Ska-la-caust
- Ska Team 6 Neutralizes Oskama Bin Laden
- Two Tone Mariachi Debuts as Ska-la-peño
- Local Chef Makes a Mean Shrimp Ska-mpi
- Guy in Grey Suit Swears it was Checkered Before the Wash
- Ska-lo-ween Comes Earlier and Earlier Every Year
- Skanks-giving Marks Start of Checkerboard Season
- Check out this SKAteboarder Over Here
- Calvin, I Know You’re Scrolling Through This Article, And I Couldn’t Think of a Better Way to Confess. I’ve Been Cheating on You For Years.
- Punk Scored Less Than Jake on SAT Test
- Ska Themed Game “Pick It Up Pick It Up Pick It Up Sticks” Silently Pulled From Shelves
- Buck-O-Nine Record On Sale for Buck-O-Five
- Fishbone, Reel Big Fish, and Citizen Fish Just Gonna Not Talk About It
- Big D Finally Old Enough To Have Holiday Dinner With Adults
- Ska Stripper Does 3 Minute Skank Routine to Operation Ivy’s “Unity”
- True Life: My Husband is a No Doubt Apologist
- Reel Big Fish Smaller In Person
- Skanking Racist Forms Body Into Shape of a Swasti-ska
- Trombone Prodigy Earns Full Ride Skalarship to Skallege
- Reel Big Fish Reveals Who Had To Knock On Wood
- Big D Seated At The Kids Table For Skanksgiving
- New ‘Skarface’ Remake Follows A Rude Boy’s Rise From Refugee To Riffugee
- Girl Skaout Earns Badge For Memorizing Every One Of Tomas Kalnoky’s Musical Projects
- I Am the Great Skaholio. I Need T.P. for my Skahole
- Fuckin Ska it’s Great
- GyneSKAlogist Wears Black and White Checkered Lab Coat
- Parents Send Child to Room for Being Rudeboy.
- Rudeboy Only Swims With Upstrokes, Drowns
- Skatological Humor Somehow More Immature than Scatological Humor
- Ska-o-lantern
- Ska-nner Darkley
- On Strike Ska Band Replaced by Skabs
- Hip Counselor Reads Campers Ska-ry Stories to Tell in The Dark
- Million of Rude Boys Nuked After Skanet Gains Sentience
- Due to Typo Scatman John Replaced at Festival by Ska Man John
- Show Somehow Features Two Bands Called Lucy in the Ska with Diamonds
- At Risk Punks Ska-d Strait
- 11 Rude Boys Dead, 6 More Wounded in Ma-Ska-cure
- Bruce Springsteen to be Joined By Horn Section on New Recording of Nebraska.
- LIVE FROM NEW YORK, ITS SKATURDAY NIGHT!
- Skabortions (it’s late and i cant sleep)
- OPINION: Its Adam and Eve Not Rude Boy and Steve
- Lonely Rude Boy Uses Only Upstrokes
- Opinion: The Brass Section Makes Me Horny
- Fourth Wave of Ska Drags Unsuspecting Punk Out to Sea
- Scientists Warn About Planet’s Shrinking Supply of Ska Puns
- McIlhenny Announces First Annual TobaSKA music festival
- Breaking: Jesse Michaels Hospitalized in East Bay. Needs Operation, I.V.
- Ska Tune Network Sued by Cartoon Network for Infringing on “Friendless Dork” Demographic
- Mephiskapheles Song Accused of Hiding Backmasked Satanic Messages, Listenable Music
- Way of the Skamurai
- Rudeboy Dies of Autoerotic Skaphyxiation
- Skanking, We Know This One’s Too Easy
- Ska Parent Warns 18 Year Old Son Stop His Messing Around, Better Think Of His Future
- Parents Beg Daughter To Chase After Bad Boy Instead Of Rude Boy
- HUP!
- DNA Test Proves There is Actually Only One Ska Song
- Skank of the Union: Alaska set to release split with Nebraska
- Rude Boy Revolutionaries Form United States of Skamerica
- Jesus Christ there’s so many more ugh
- Buck-O-Nine Reference Wasted on Old Lady Running This Yard Sale
- Chihuahua Crossbred with Loser, Virgin, Nerd Dog to Create First Ever Skahuahua
- Rude Boy Wears Nicest Checkered Fedora to Job Interview
- Top 5 Hours of My Life I Wasted Coming Up with Ska Puns
- Reel Big Fish Fan Looking for New Lawn Mower Thinks He’ll Have Himself a Deere
- Ska Labor Activist Rallies the Skank File Members
- LET’S SKANK!!!! I’LL SKANK ANYTHING THAT MOVES!!!!
- Wreckage of Thomas the Skank Engine Crash Picked Up, Picked Up, Pick Up
- The Bosstone Announced as Newest Character in Super Skash Brothers
- Ska Fan Disappointed by 2013 Daniel Radcliffe Vehicle ‘Horns’
- Ska Fan’s Pilgrimage to Skandanavia Nowhere Near As Checkered As Expected
- Our Review of the 2006 Romantic Comedy The Skaliday, Starring Jude Skaw, Skate Winslet, Jack Ska, and Cameron Rudeboy
- It’s Skatastic!
- Ska Fans Bathroom Tile Choice Unsurprising
- Owning Checkerboard Vans Is Not A Gateway To Ska.
- Hey You! Don’t Read That! Read This!
- Give a Man a Skank, Hes Uncool for a Day, Teach a Man to Skank and Hes Uncool for the Rest of his Life
- Don’t Touch the Floor! The Floor is Skava!
- Opinion: You’re Not Ska, Unless You Live Ska
- New Band “Explosions In The Ska” Going About As Well As You’d Think
- Rudeboy Doctor Recommends 30 Minutes of Vigorous Skardio a Day
- When Your Name is Rudy, Every Text Is A Message To You
- New Goldfinger Album Feels The Same
- Skaimee Mann to Produce Soundtrack for Paul Thomas Skanderson Film “Skagnolia”
- High School Band Brass Section All Receives College Ska-lerships
- Hot New Drink Mimoska is Just Champagne and Juice While Someone Plays Trumpet in Your Fucking Face
- Donald Trumpet Running For President of the U.S.K.A.
- If You Feel Personally Skattacked by These Puns, Let Us Know in the Skamments!
- Former Ska Fan Regrets His Checkered Past
- Ska Fan Always Horny
- Ska Spa Gives Rusty Trombones Instead of Happy Endings
- Sylvester Skallone to Star in the Movie “Skap, or My Mom Will Skank”
- New Ska Board Game “Operation Ivy” Fucking Sucks
- Sublime Replaces Louie Dog by Splicing DNA of Dalmatian and Rome
- Back to the Future Themed Ska Band “Great Ska!” Only Plays Huey Lewis Covers
- Reel Big Fish to Star in Stephen King Remake “The Skashank Redemption”
- 18 Year Old Band Shows Up at Mike Park’s Doorstep, Claiming He is Its Father
- Ska Fan Masturbates Using Only UpstrokesRude Boy’s Vespa Keeps Making a Noise “Tsh-Tsh Tsh Tsh, Tsh-Tsh Tsh Tsh, Hup Hup Hup Hup!”
- Ska Mass Shooter Writes Streetlight Manifesto
- Real Life Ska? This Guy Skas!
- New Orleans Voodoo Museum Decorated With Glowing Skulls Has Never Heard of the Band You Keep Referencing
- Ska Festival at Capacity Before Any Tickets Sold
- this is just a straight up good headline
- Interview With The Skammunists Frontman Joseph Skalin
- Pietasters to Headline Local Bake Sale
- Federal Government Appoints Operation Ivy’s “Take Warning” as New Director of FEMA
- Man Regrets Pitching 311 Joke Article
- Ice-T Confirms “Fuck the Police” Actually About Ska Brutality
- Ska Band Bankrupt by Brass Tax
- These are em-brass-rassing, ska-pologies…
- Matt Skankome
- Ska-rissy Howard
- Jeremy Skaplowitz
- Mike Skamory
- Eric Skavarro
- Bush Did Ska 9/11
- Seven Trumpets signal the Skapocolypse
- Mark Skassenfratz
- TOYNBEE IDEA IN MOViE `2001 RESURRECT DEAD ON SKANET JUPITER
- Parker Brothers Launches Skanopoly
- Ska’ck Me a Hurricane
- If You’re Reading This I’m Trapped Under a Pile of Old Newspapers in my Attic Send Ska Help
- A Stitch in Time Skas Nine (Trumpeters)
- Eggo Announces Checkered Pattern “Skaffles”
- Jerry Skafield Dated a 17 Year Old When He Was 38
- 1990s Ska Fan Begins Descent Into Madness
- UB40 Now B Way Older Than 40
- Area Dork Still Reading List of Ska Puns
- Ska Hot Dog Stand Sells Aquabrats Topped With Mustard Plug Served With Skankin Pickle All For a Buck-O-Nine
- Opinion: A Penny Saved is a Pennywise (is Pennywise Ska? I Don’t Know)
- Ska-tegories
- Ska Trek
- Alt-Right Rude Boy Denies the Skalocaust
- Hopeful Racist Ska Band Can’t Decide on Swastika, Skastiswa, or Skastika
- Ska Cover of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” Called “Skallelujah,” Still Better Than the Original
- …Are We There? This is Starting to Hurt.
- Jimmy Skallon Keeps Laughing While Trying to Skank
- Cannibal Skalocaust Director Accused of Subjecting Real Animals to Ska
- A Can Opener but Ska Somehow
- The NFL on Fox Robot but He’s Skanking or Something
- Maybe a Rudeboy Uses Skype and Calls it Skape? Ugh
- He Was A Ska-ter Boy, She Said Fuck Off
- Joseph Skalin Dictates and Devastates Over The Union of Soviet Socialist Rudeboys (USSR)
- Opinion: I Skaoff at Your Bad Ska Puns
- Angry Angry Bosstone Writes Skathing Review of Trumpet Mic
- Opinion: I’m the Ska-atman!
- The Ska’s The Limit!
- Ska-rlet Johansson Signs On For Black And White Checkered Widow Movie.
- PanSka-kes. Right? Am I Doing it Right?
- Rude Boy Denied Dessert by Mumsie
- Skatt Aukerman
- Cesar Skalad
- Ska Prisoner Asking to Swap Black and White Striped Jumpsuit for Checkered One
- Ska Band Concerned Concerned for Bassist’s Mental Health After Seeing Him Reading Skalvia Plath
- Linkin Park? More Like Stinkin Farts (so this but about a ska band)
- Ska Nearly Killed Me
- Hotel Rwskanda
- Third Wave Ska Fan, Third Wave Coffee Fan, Argue Over Who is More Insufferable
- Mom Making Her Famous Pork Pie for Skanksgiving This Year
- Racist Ska Band Swastiska Baffles Everyone
- Les Skavy Fav
- Skarget to Run Out Local Ska & Pop Businesses
- Koyaanisqatsi Replaces Philip Glass Music for Upcoming Remix Koyaani-Ska-tsi
- Ska Band Chosen as Opener so Main Act can Use Horns on That One Song they Have
- Wisconsin… Wis-SKA-nsin? No? Ok
- Goldfinger Here in Your Bedroom Just Until They Save Up Enough for Their Own Place
- Skavengers: End Game Surpasses Skavatar as Top Grossing Movie of All-Time
- Brett Skavanaugh Denies Record of Horny Offenses
- Link 80 to Open for 404 Error
- Elizabeth Skarren Vows to End Government Skarruption
- Streetlight Manifesto Linked to Mass Skanking
- Ska Punk Guitarist Only Knows Three Horn Players in Own Band
- Identical Octuplets Form One-Man Ska Band
- Millennials at Save Ferris Show Don’t Get Ska Reference
- Help! Aging Bosstones Dancing Guy Has Fallen and Can’t Pick It Up!
- Opinion: Trump’s Brass Tariffs Create Opening for China to Emerge as Ska Superpower
- FBI Creates National Registry of Ska Fans
- Real-Life Jurassic Park? Scientists Resurrect 311 with DNA from Chick Immersed In ‘Amber’
- Man Forces Terrible Ska Pun to Get List to 311
- Alt-right band with horns sick of being called Skazis
- Parks & Rec Themed Ska Band Ron Skanson Not Going Anywhere Anytime Spoon
- Gaslight Anthem admit they just right-clicked Streetlight Manifesto in MS Word to get their name
The Hard Times writers hope you enjoyed this list. And as we will almost definitely be fired for publishing this, it’s been a pleasure writing punk and punk-adjacent comedy for you all!