Man domesticated dogs nearly 15,000 years ago, and astonishingly, there are now 400 distinct dog breeds. Even more astonishing is that no one thought to engineer a dog that doesn’t stare directly at you while you’re spanking the monkey.
Although long-touted as “man’s best friend,” it might be more apt to call them what they really are, which is “man’s best voyeur.” I’ve had a lot of best friends over the years, and almost none of them have stood still as a statue at the foot of my bed and watched me touch myself to completion. Take it from me, most people won’t consider doing something like that even if you beg, offer to pay, and promise not to tell anyone about it.
A dog’s nature and nurture both play a crucial role in his ability to perform specialized tasks. Basset hounds’ short legs allow them to locate ground prey easily, while Saint Bernards’ thick coats and strength make them ideal companions for rescue missions in low-temperature climates, so you can only imagine my surprise when I adopted a Bull Mastiff for its purported guard dog abilities and have since been forced to jerk off in my closet just to avoid his impenetrable gaze at my manhood.
Selective dog breeding has many benefits, but it is also controversial. Overpopulation, genetic defects, and man’s desire to induce speciation for selfish reasons are just a few reasons why dog breeding is considered a cruel practice but hear me out. If Queen Victoria was allowed to mate dogs endlessly until she got the four-pound emotional support dog of her dreams, why can’t we make a dog that won’t kink-shame me on my day off from work?
I’m no geneticist, but if we can design a dog that can track down cadavers or drugs using its three hundred smell receptors, we can surely make a dog that shows the same level of sexual indifference towards me as a cat or any one of my ex-girlfriends.