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Opinion: I Sure Hope I Don’t Get Murdered at This Dinner Party Full of Colorful Eccentrics

What an incredible dinner party this is! I’ve never been in such a gorgeous yet oddly period non-specific mansion before, and definitely not one in such an isolated location where not even the police could reach anyone for hours.

Plus, I’ve never been surrounded by so many colorful eccentrics and devices that, while seeming innocuous, could potentially be used as a murder weapon. I sure hope none of them are used to murder me!

Now, it feels like it would be pretty unusual for someone to get killed at a dinner party, even if Commodore Cinnabar over there is staring way too intensely over me while weighing a sharp-edged Whiskey Decanter in his hand. But it could be that the horrible sights he has seen in his years in whatever undefined military he belongs to have just made him need a drink. I know I would!

Really, I have to get over the idea that someone would murder me at a dinner party of color-coded individuals who each seem to have professions that are easy to illustrate using broad caricatures. After all, why would someone kill me? Let alone Dr. Vermillion, currently toying with a heavy Butter Dish or Madame Eggshell-White, making jabbing motions at me with the Carving Fork.

My therapist says I need to work on these intrusive thoughts.

It’s just like that time I went to the will reading of my great-great-grand-uncle from Transylvania that I never knew I had and was worried that I might have to spend a night in some kind of castle, potentially a haunted one. What a silly worry that was!

However, it is odd that no one but me seems to be eating. After all, the almost entirely unseen staff of this mansion that we were all invited to via anonymous letters that promised to reveal a very important secret once we had dessert and cheese worked hard on this meal. It really would be a shame to let this goose in aspic go to waste!

Oh great, now we’re retiring to the parlor. I bet everything goes well in there. Things almost always do in parlors, in my experience.

Now, all we have to do is wait for our mysterious host to get here! Then I’m going to stab the fuck out of him.