It’s 2024. Inflation has hit all aspects of the economy, corporate layoffs continue in mass, and Red Lobster’s bottomless shrimp option has effectively help them dig their own grave. We here at Hard Times know that things are tough for everyone across the board and would like to offer some sound advice to our loyal readers. That said, here are our top ranked stores with no-chase policies to help better inform your budgeting decisions.
Lowe’s
Their selection of DeWalt power tools may be expensive, but what isn’t expensive is the grey hanes sweatshirt you’re using to conceal it as you breeze through the entrance doors with ease. A beep from door sensors might go off but most of the employees couldn’t give two shits to take any sort of action. They’re too busy listening to boomer Deb describing the new light fixtures she’s going to install in her in-law unit and praying for one to drop on their skull. Enjoying keeping your newly acquired items or dump them at your local flea market for some quick cash.
Bed Bath and Beyond
The company recently filed for bankruptcy due to declining sales over the past few years, or so they say. But we all knew what was leading to the downfall, you and your D-Beat friends having easy access to an endless supply of Soda Streams and an emergency exit door with an alarm that didn’t work. Also, you’d be shocked at how easy it is to walk out with a comforter underneath your arm as long as you just act confident. Beyond worth exploiting.
Footlocker
For some odd reason, you can still find some of these stores that put name brand shirts and jackets right by the front entrance. You can execute an in and out product grab within a matter of seconds. Remember, just because someone is wearing a referee shirt doesn’t mean they had to pass a physical fitness test to get it. Snatching shoes can be on the trickier side but is still doable. Working in teams is usually best for this. Ask for some shoes, try them on, and then have your friend distract the employee with some punishing conversation about Travis Scott Jordans. It’s like a shittier version of Ocean’s Eleven.
Gamestop
We here at Hard Times never played a PS5 game that we didn’t like. We also never met a Gamestop employee that was physically capable of clearing the front counter by the time we had darted out the front door with some overpriced collector’s edition game.
GNC
There is never anyone in here (including the employees). Feel free to take your time and shop around before exiting the store through the front door with B12 vitamins in your hand like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.
Whole Foods
A store with prices so outrageous shoplifting from here is more to make a political point that it is for an easy grift. They are currently having a sale where produce is currently 20% off. It turns out you can take another 80% off if you stuff the oranges in your backpack with the Wolfbrigade backpatch and exit through their rarely watched side entrance.
Victoria’s Secret
Important to note that ladies will have a much easier time getting in and out of here unnoticed. It is impossible for any guy to go in here solo and not look like a total scum bag. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a guy in here by himself and didn’t think that he has an active restraining order? Ladies, feel free to load up your bags and stroll out the front door. Ain’t nothin’ happening.
Walgreens
Almost no explanation necessary at this point. Everyone’s social media feed is peppered with footage from Walgreens getting robbed with ease and not a damn thing being done about it from staff or the third-party security guards they hired. In the realm of stores with no-chase policies, this one is a lay-up shot. Bring a friend and make a game out of how many bars of Dove deodorant you can load up in your sweatpants.
CVS
Much like its competitor Walgreens, the competition also appears to be bleeding into the realm of which store is easier to steal from. 8 times out of 10 you are probably going to run into someone who is also in the process of ripping something off. Feel free to strike up a conversation and make a new friend. You can rest easy knowing you are making connections and won’t be getting tackled by store staff.
Nike
Second floor fire escape. Just do it.