You there. Yeah, you. I see you in that, ahem, “vintage” Strokes t-shirt, leaning against the wall in your ripped jeans and your Chuck Taylors. Hey hey hey. Take off those douche-y Wayfarers and look at me with those coked-out eyes of yours when I’m talking to you. At least you got the drug-habit part right. Good good good.
Anyhow, if you’re such a Strokes fan, name three Pitchfork writers. If you’re wearing that shirt, then you know Pitchfork loves their first two albums and hates every one that came after, because all of their records since then have been dogshit. Any Strokes fan worth their obscenely-expensive leather jacket knows their best record since Dubya’s first term is Albert Hammond Jr.’s Momentary Masters, because the band as a creative unit are more dysfunctional than my marriage.
So name some Pitchfork writers. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
Lester Bangs? What decade do you think you’re in? Yeah, OK, I guess if you’re into post-punk and booger sugar, you probably think it’s 1978 or whatever. That said, Bangs is a porn-stached asshole who shit on Black Sabbath, the most coked-up band EVER, so fuck him.
Brent DiCrescenzo? That pretentious douche hasn’t been on Pitchfork’s staff in twenty years, which is probably for the best, since he spent more time overwriting than a CD-RW drive. That so-called review of “St. Anger?” He talked about ProTools snorting fire ants. Like, what the fuck does that even mean?
Name one current Pitchfork writer. Just one. You should at least be able to tell me who reviewed their first—and, obviously, best—album.
No no no, “The Modern Age” was their first EP. Their first LP was “Is This It.” Duh.
Give up? Pitchfork’s founder Ryan Schreiber wrote about “Is This It,” because of course he did. No one else was qualified to write about an album THAT cool, by a band THAT cool, on a site THAT cool — except for its insanely-cool founder. Schreiber’s so cool he left Pitchfork before it went downhill and became totally un-cool. Shit, he was probably wearing a Strokes shirt when he strutted out those doors one last time.
Anyway, got any coke I could buy off you?