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Oh, You Like the “Stranger Things” Soundtrack? Name 3 Modular Synth Configurations of Voltage Controlled Oscillators Routed Through a Moog 904A Low Pass Ladder Filter

Oh, you like the “Stranger Things” soundtrack, huh? Yeah, it’s pretty nice. Modular synths, analog warmth — you’ve got to love those lush retro vibes.

But seriously, name 3 ways to make these sounds, or you’re not a real fan. Yeah, you heard me correctly. I’m saying that if you can’t explain the sonic architecture of these sounds then you literally didn’t hear them. All you heard was white noise. Although scratch that, white noise is actually a pretty nuanced concept that you wouldn’t understand.

Look, I’ll make it easy for you and give you your modules. Three oscillators: sine, sawtooth, triangle. Two ADSR envelope generators. And a filter, you can have the Moog 904A, I’m feeling generous. So all you have to do is connect the dots. You know, like a fucking child.

Did you hear how I pronounced “Moog” just now? You’re probably thinking “why is he saying Mogue”? How best to explain…I guess the main thing you need to understand is that you’re a know-nothing philistine dipshit. Hope that helps.

You don’t seem to be giving me any modular patches, so I guess you don’t like “Stranger Things” after all? Do you actually know anything at all about modular synthesis? Do you even know what “sending out clock” means? Do you know how to mod a spring reverb unit with a particularly tight coil of orange peel that came off in one piece? I do, and that’s why Modular Monthly called my latest EP “stultifying.”

And I suppose you’ve suddenly discovered that you love Kate Bush’s “Running Up That Hill”, right? Wrong. No you don’t. If you didn’t lose your house and marriage in 1985 after buying a $40,000 Fairlight CMI in a failed attempt to recreate that synth riff, then you can take that song right out of your fucking ears as well.

Look, I’m not saying that you’re forbidden to watch the show just because you can’t spot a self-resonating filter, or can’t understand how dual flip-flop chips work. But it can only really be a senseless jumble of stimuli to you like a moth blundering repeatedly into a lightbulb, or a dog rubbing its genitals on a teddy bear.

Have I watched it all? Oh, absolutely not – only the first five minutes. They should’ve filmed it on a Super 8 film camera. Watching digital is like having three cats shit directly into my eyes.