My name is Sebastian, and I’m a multihyphenate. I’ve actually had many multihyphenate titles ever since I learned what multihyphenate means. Like writer-actor-mom’s basement dweller. Or photographer-producer-female ogler. Or comedian-podcaster-grifter. But my latest is my most impressive yet: my therapist said I’m obsessive-anxious-avoidant.
It makes sense that a title that refers to having a diverse set of creative skills is one that I’d get to call myself. I mean, my WORK, it’s like being in a relationship, honestly. It’s like I’m married to my art. And you know, when I think about my art, my attachment style makes sense. Like, I’m anxious-attached and obsessive, so I have been writing the same screenplay for 3 years. And like, I’m avoidant, so I can never meet my deadlines because what if they reject me? My dedication and love for my art is why I have 16 unread texts from 5 different women I met at the MJ Lenderman show.
It’s really cool, you know, that I’m a multihypenate. At least, I thought it was cool until I realized that being a multihypenate is lowkey kind of just being a jack of all trades, a master of none. And that makes me think of my ex because she really loved Beach House and that song “Master of None”. No, wait, I’m thinking of the other blonde one. No, the other one. Or maybe she’s brunette.
I’m anxious avoidant just because I have too much love to give. Like, honestly, it’s kind of special that I can have such a close connection with so many people.
One of my many exes gave me a different multihypenate label, which was “manipulative-gaslighting-love bomber,” but honestly, I think I’m a nice guy. I treat women really well and tell them really nice things. Who doesn’t want to hear nice things like, “I’ve never met anyone like you,” and “you remind me so much of my favorite ex-girlfriend that I still see every month for coffee,” and “I’d like to see you again” right before I leave for a 2-month-long work trip. Or maybe I said I got mono? We’re not meant to keep track of all these things, really.
Hey, you know, I’ve learned a lot in therapy. About my relationship patterns. I think it’s good to learn about yourself. It’s been really helpful. I met a really great therapist, and I’ve been seeing them three times a week. It’s been fun, but now that I’ve received the feedback that I might be the problem, I might lowkey just ghost her.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
