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Millennials Are Ruining Everything, Including My Ability to Land Jerky Boys References

There was once a time in this country when things were comfortable. An average American could go out for a nice dinner with the family at Applebee’s, do a little shopping at Burlington Coat Factory, make allusions to the insulation making their ass itch to uproarious laughter, and call it a fucking night.

Not anymore.

Millennials are killing everything that makes this country great, up to and including my ability to successfully land references to classic Jerky Boys skits. First it was the chain restaurants. Then it was the shopping malls. Now, these entitled pricks think they can kill off my killer Sol Rosenberg impression? I used to be able to shout, “My eyes are going crazy!” without being told to check out some new prescription eyeglasses app. It’s unacceptable and I’ve had enough!

I’m not sure I want to live in a country where a normal guy like me can do his best impression of Tarbash, The Egyptian Magician and not even get a giggle as a response. These are classic American characters! Classic skits! I guess the millennials on Twitter would want me to repeat jokes from Crank Yankers instead. Yeah, I’m sure that would be hilarious to the “cool-guy” baristas who only get mad when I tell them my name is, “Jack Tor ………… s.” The material is all streaming on Spotify …


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This is a serious issue and it’s hurting the economy. Oh yeah, the economy. I was just FIRED because my dumbass manager. Skyler (who’s at least 10 years younger than me, by the way) didn’t like me telling him, “I’ll bash your head in with a fuckin’ ratchet” every time he asked me to clean the grease traps. Fuck man, how about culturing yourself a bit? It’s called a JOKE and it’s FUNNY.

Millennials NEED TO BE STOPPED! Give me back my Applebees, give me back my Burlington Coat factory, and give me back my god damn Jerky Boys references. If no one laughs the next time I ask, “should I bring my fuckin’ tools?” The ratchet bashing WON’T BE A JOKE, sizzlechest. You’ve left me no choice, millennials. You have been warned.

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Article by Aaron Miller @aaronjohnmiller