Most gerbils like myself spend their lives in modest clear plastic tubes or behind bars playing in soft wood chips content with their solitary life. Well, let me tell you, I am no ordinary gerbil. I lived fast, I took chances, and I threw caution to the wind. Did I make mistakes? Sure. Do I smell like Richard Gere’s asshole? You better believe it. Do I have regrets? Absolutely not. I grabbed the bull by the horns, the bull being Richard Gere and the horns being his sphincter, and brothers and sisters I’m here to tell you it’s been one hell of a ride.
What I’ve accomplished—living inside the asshole of Golden Globe-winning actor Richard Gere—is pretty much the gerbil equivalent of the moon landing. When my wheel stops squeaking, I’ll leave this world knowing I had a life well lived.
As I approach the winter of my not-so-humble gerbil life, I feel a need to set the record straight about a few things. Firstly, Sylvester Stallone is a fantastic asshole who has been making fairy tales since the ‘70s. I never died in Richard Gere’s ass and my living situation wasn’t for some kink. Rich said Stallone likely spread the rumor and I—the gerbil who was in his ass—am here to confirm it before this rumor spreads for another 50 years.
So as for how I got there, our handsome prince Richard Gere was sleeping. I was the one who climbed in his pajama pant leg, I was the one who entered his asshole, and I was the one who had the time of my life in there. It was completely my idea—and my own volition—that brought me to ass, but I never could have predicted just where that ass would take me.
For starters, I should mention there were roommates. It was a bit of a revolving door, but there was always warm food and good company regardless of who was living there. We held a potluck in there, birthdays, coke parties, you name it. I’m a bit of a lone wolf myself, but the ferret drifters who’d come and go were always great company with tall tales about the world outside of Richard Gere’s ass.
His ass also granted me the opportunity to do something I thought I’d never do, travel the globe. Richard Gere’s ass and The Richard Gere Foundation have unwittingly taken me to Tibet and Nepal. They’ve helped me understand the plight of the Palestinian people. I do recall hearing about him being banned from China due to his support of the people of Tibet, but please understand I was in his asshole and there’s only so much information I can get from the outside world.
As I mentioned, my coming to live in Richard Gere’s ass was entirely my decision and had nothing to do with kink, but that’s not to say there haven’t been some wild nights. Richard Gere has had many a conquest, and yours truly has had a back-row seat to each and every one.
What am I doing now that I’ve retired from Rich’s ass? Well, I’m fielding offers and looking at openings (no pun intended), but I plan on sticking with celebrity humanitarians because if you get caught they won’t have you euthanized.