For most of my life, I was never in the camp that believed my life was predetermined by an all-powerful celestial deity capable of smiting me at any given moment. It’s not like my lifestyle would land me at the pearly gates anyway, but I also doubt God would make me a natural-born shoplifting savant. But lately I’ve had a lot of family and acquaintances busting my balls, and they are trying to hold me accountable for several incidents where police intervention was required.
Fortunately, a concept was revealed to me by what must be divine intervention because I just realized that I can get away with whatever I want so long as I attribute it all to “God’s plan”.
Don’t believe me? Look at all the megachurch pastors who get caught misappropriating funds and cheating on their spouses with constituents. It’s all “the holy spirit was testing my marriage with these sex workers” this, or “the lord commanded me to use church funds to buy a plane” that. If they can do heinous shit like that and claim it was predestination, then surely it means I can justify catfishing men into buying me luxury items so long as I believe God already lined it up.
Case in point: I’m still not welcome in any of my family’s homes until I apologize for smashing up my sister’s wedding cake because it wasn’t the flavor I wanted. At the time it was a selfish move but after considerable thought and reflection, I realized that it was just the path God put me on that resulted in me ruining her big day and then stabbing a caterer in the leg with a pen. They’ve yet to accept my reasoning, but I’m sure they will eventually once they surrender themselves to a higher power.
Seriously, try it! I’ve used it for a whole bunch of other stuff, like opening credit cards in dead people’s names and tricking friends into being my Herbalife downline. We’ve all seen countless people credit God for everyday life happenings when they get what they want, so with that logic anyone can be a sociopath so long as the lord our shepherd wills it. I just wish my parole officer felt the same!
And if all that doesn’t work, you can always fall back on blaming Satan. That dude is always willing to take one for the team.