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Trigger Warning: Someone Let a Komodo Dragon Into This Campus Safe Space!

Smith College sophomore Jocelyn Madeline Abrams thought she could escape the rampant prejudice that dominates her campus by sneaking away to the designated safe space. Instead, she found something even more threatening:

A 28-foot long, nearly 150-pound Komodo dragon! Ah!

Jocelyn had used the safe space located in her dorm when feeling threatened before, and it’s the last place she ever thought she would be staring directly into the emotionless eyes of the world’s most lethal reptile.

Talk about inappropriate!

Komodo dragons are known for their fierce hunting abilities; these primordial beasts can take down water buffalo and wild boar that easily double the weight of Jocelyn. The Komodo dragon’s most murderous weapons are its serrated shark-like teeth, which can rip apart raw animal flesh in a matter of seconds.

No doubt a Komodo dragon would love to tear away at the flesh, muscle tissue, and bones of a student like Jocelyn, who only wanted to relax and settle her nerves after sitting through a particularly problematic lecture.  

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And even if Jocelyn can get away after being ravaged by the locking jaws of this literal living monster, she won’t live for long!

The bite of the Komodo dragon contains poisonous bacteria that slowly infects the bloodstream, leading to a slow and painful death. Not so safe after all, huh Jocelyn? And good luck finding the rare antidote for Komodo dragon bites at the Smith College health services building. They ran out of flu shots by Halloween!

Adding even more to Jocelyn’s shock, Komodo dragons are typically found in the equatorial climates of the Indonesian islands of Komodo, Gila Motang, Rinca, and Flores. Not the leafy campus of a Massachusetts liberal arts school whose most prominent alumni include noted writer Sylvia Plath, former first lady Barba Bush, and celebrity chef Julia Child.

Cultural appropriation anyone?

Have any reptilian predators invaded your campus safe space? Let us know in the comments below.

Article by Gregg Gethard @holdingcourtpod.