I was in need of some faith, but I’m also not some dork who pretends their Lord is made of crackers. My friend Karlo was super into Satanism so after a phone call he invited me to check out his temple. I can’t deny I was stoked and I even busted out my “for-shows-only” Ghost shirt. But let me tell you, Satanic mass was the most boring shit ever.
First off, everyone’s super theatrical. They try to talk slow like they’re a thousand years old. I don’t have time for some NPC exposition. If I wanted that I would have stuck with Catholicism. When you say “Satanism,” I think flaming demon heads and fishnet stockings. Sure, everyone was super chill but where were the sick-ass metal riffs? And why isn’t everyone wearing goat skulls?
The lady that greeted me at the Satanic temple/rec center also asked me if “I do what thou wilt” and I didn’t know what to say so I just said “Hell yeah,” which felt appropriate. Ugh. My mom’s Catholic church had ushers too and they were also fucking annoying.
Ok, so Satan equals bad-ass face-melting music right? Well not here. It was some CD on a loop of bells and a chorus track that sounded like a bunch of pre-pubescent boys. No screaming guitars. No drums that would make you think Mordor is erupting with orcs. Also, no orcs. What the fuck are we even doing here?
Worst of all, I expected our Warlock or Wizard (or whatever leads this thing) to be like fuckin’ Danzig. But the dude in charge was like 63 and I’m pretty sure he’s my dad’s mechanic.
Honestly, I could forgive all the old people, Latin, and lack of good music but at the end, they had the audacity to ask for a donation to “The Church.” I can’t think of anything more pathetic than the Prince of Darkness handing me a basket, even if it was made of black wicker, and asking for some change.
Also, there’s no way I’m joining the post-service orgy with anyone I saw there.